Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Kick This Around

I'm thinking of launching a Kickstarter campaign.

Because money.
I have no noble or altruistic intentions in pondering a blatant money-grub. I'm not chasing a lifelong dream, unless you count the dream of being paid more to do less than I currently am. Then, OK, yeah. But I'm not promising any product or service in exchange for people's donations. Unless I feel like it. Maybe a T-shirt or a Porsche given out to random benefactors. Or not.

But since a Kickstarter campaign has to be built upon some ostensible purpose, I've chosen some hypothetical parameters to get people to give me money.

It would go something like this:

Hi! Criminally under-appreciated blogger Chuck Baudelaire here. I want to thank each and every one of you for reading "Always Drunk" and supporting me with your page views. I'd kiss you all if I weren't slightly wierd about germs.

But if you've been wishing there were some other way to support me besides just reading my daily posts for free, I've got great news! I've launched this Kickstarter campaign so you can give me money! I have no idea why you'd want to do such a thing, except that maybe you, like me and so many others, have grown weary of vetting each and every person and company on which you spend your hard-earned cash. Are you inadvertently supporting a candidate, party, cause, religion, business model, lifestyle, political system, geographic feature, or synthetic fiber that may be counter to your beliefs? How do you know? Huh? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

You don't. Unless you give your money to me. Because I'm prepared to be very transparent with how I spend any funds I raise through this campaign. If you make a donation at the level of your choice, I promise that I will not spend a penny of it on:

  • Supporting any political campaign
  • Contributing to any religious group
  • Helping orphans
  • Building houses for the poor
  • Curing disease
  • Overturning any law - just, unjust, or just kind of "eh"

I also guarantee that I will earmark a portion of your donations to the following:

  • Snicker's Peanut Butter Squared
  • My water bill
  • Socks for my Precocious Daughter
  • The occasional calzone
  • Cat food

That kind of piece of mind is priceless, is it not? No, of course it isn't. The price is whatever you want to give me. Whether you want to keep one dollar out of the hands of politicians and do-gooders or, like, a whole bunch more, I'm cool with that. I'll make sure that not one single penny of it is spent on anything controversial or divisive. Unless you have a problem with calzones. Then I don't want your filthy funds, you Communist.

But the rest of you...I welcome your donations of any size. I'm prepared to post a complete accounting of all the frivolous, selfish, unimportant shit I buy with other people's money. Because that's the kind of honest and upright person I am. I love you guys. And I'm doing this for you. And for America. And for my cats.


I'm still tweaking it, of course. But the bare bones are there. Send me money and I won't spend it on anything that might make you angry. Who else can make you a better offer?

So what do you think?

1 comment:

  1. Ah... you almost had my money... but... Snickers Peanut Butter Squared is made by Mars... who also produces Pedigree dry dog food... and I once cut my hand while opening a bag of said dog food... so I must now protest you and all you stand for!... or maybe you could just leave the last part off... I was good up until there... do no good with my money and you can have it!


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