Olympic Couch Coaching

Goddamn, I love me some Olympics.

If team Mary Poppins vs. giant Voldemort isn't a medal event
by 2016, I'm going to be pissed.

I love the fact that I celebrate the grace and athleticism of international sport by becoming a complete couch potato for two weeks. I'm glued to the TV at every opportunity, riveted by awesome physical specimens who have sculpted their bodies and honed their minds to be the best in the world in their event.

And also the weightlifters.

What I really love about the Olympics is the chance to offer expert opinions on sports I know nothing about, generally by yelling them at the TV from the comfort of my softest chair. It's my way of supporting the athletes, staying involved in the Games, and getting in my daily requirement of snark.

Where do I try out for the Olympic heckling team?

Here are the top 10 things I'll be shouting during the 2012 Summer Olympics.

1. "Dammit, you nailed it in the preliminaries!"

2. "The degree of difficulty alone should put him on the platform, you morons!"

3. "Bitch, all you had to do was stick the landing!"

4. "How the hell do you expect to complete three and a half rotations if you don't tuck immediately off the board?"

5. "Dude, you totally set him up to roof you on that return! Also, why don't male beach volleyball players play shirtless?"

6. "Oh man, he pressed out on that clean-and-jerk! Better luck with the snatch!" (Followed by five Hail Marys.)

7. Awesome! A perfect quadriffis into a textbook randy! Wait...freaking trampoline is an Olympic event?"

8. "Come on, get your oars in the water and firm up on the strokeside!" (Followed by ten Hail Marys.)

9. "What are you judges smoking, and where can I get some?"

10. "Will someone on set please touch up Mr. Costas' eyeliner?"