On June 16, I will not be available for signings, interviews, personal appearances, lunch dates, polo matches, or coffee-ground wrestling.
Don't attempt to call me, I will not be answering the phone.
Don't even think of asking me to join you at the mall or male strip club.
Because on June 16, I'll be home watching Piranhaconda on Syfy.
This may very well be the greatest movie name Syfy has ever come up with. Yes, better than Sharktopus. Better, I dare say, than Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. Even better than the upcoming Arachnoquake.
The plot of Piranhaconda is... ...yeah, OK, who gives a freak? Clearly it's about a piranhaconda and the foolish, foolish people who don't get the hell out of the rainforest the first time they hear its name uttered and are subsequently devoured in hilarious ways in various states of undress. There will be priceless dumbstruck reaction shots, pithy one-liners, and awesomely bad CGI.
Also, it stars Michael Madsen, who once upon time was in great movies like Reservoir Dogs and Mulholland Falls and the Kill Bill movies. And now he's in Piranhaconda. Hell, yeah.
And also...piranhaconda. C'mon, say it out loud. I just had two of the crappiest days of my recent life, and just knowing the word piranhaconda has been coined has restored me to some semblance of equilibrium and well-being.
The least I can do is unplug the phone, turn off the computer, and devote my full attention to this miracle of modern made-for-cable filmmaking.
Oh, and Piranhaconda has its own Facebook page. I have nothing to do with it, but I recommend you "like" it, so as not to miss any critical Piranhaconda updates as we near its premiere on June 16.
One week, people. One short week until flesh-eating fish meets deadly snake meets chicks in bikinis and a whole lotta fake blood. You can take long walks or work at the homeless shelter or make great art if you want. I'll be at home, fused to the couch. Watching Piranhaconda.
Join me. Or don't. But don't expect me to be a productive member of society while it's on.
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