Tuesday, May 1, 2012

How to Buy Shoes If You're Crazy

I just bought these shoes.

Well, this one, and another one just like it, only reversed.
They are darling. They are wonderful. I'm wearing them for the first time today.

I literally am wearing them for the first time today.

I didn't try them on before I bought them.

Which is a strategy that sometimes turns out badly.

I mean, this dress probably looked great on the hanger.
Here's the thing with me and shoes. I love shoes. I love owning cute shoes, I love wearing cute shoes. I loathe shoe shopping.

It's not just that this is how it feels to me.
It's that I would actually prefer this.
I just don't find it enjoyable to go into the shoe department, critically appraise every pair, try them on, discover that they cost way more than I want to pay, and either put them back regretfully or buy them despite the fact that I'm spending a significant chunk of a Texas summer electric bill on them.

So over the years I've developed a strategy for buying shoes. I go to the sale and/or clearance rack of the shoe department, find the cutest pair of shoes there, latch on to my size (if it's available), and get out of Dodge.

Smash. Grab. Go.
I can do this for two reasons. First, my foot is a perfect size 8 medium width. If it says size 8, it'll fit. I have yet to return a pair of shoes in size 8 because they were the wrong size. It's my best parlor trick: Shoes fit me.

I'm stupdendous.
Second, I only wear high heels, so I don't have to worry about whether the shoes are comfortable. Of course they're not comfortable. They're high heels.

Although common sense does need to kick in at some point.
So if I find inexpensive size 8s that look cute, I buy them. And believe me, I examine them closely to make sure they're cute. I know what I like and don't like, and life is too short to wear ugly shoes.

But there is one other thing you should know about me. I lack certain spatial abilities. Simply put, I have a hard time gauging, for example, how far away landmarks are on the road, how much stuff can fit into a suitcase, how big one thing is in relation to another.

How high a shoe's heels are. Yeah, that's another one, I guess.

Here are my darling shoes again:

Sooooo cute.

The heels are 4 1/2 inches high.

That's slightly taller than an iPod Touch. About the same height as a South African baby pineapple.

How cute are those???
More to the point, it's at least a half-inch taller than the highest heels I've ever worn in my life.

I typically wear 3- to 4- inch heels. And really, more like three inches for everyday wear. That gives me the lift my short, squatty frame needs while not hampering my ability to get around. I'm pretty good at getting around on heels. I've been known to take long walks in the woods in heels.

Actually, in pumps. But now I must have these.
I'm not used to 4 1/2 inches' worth of heel. As I discovered this morning when I put on my new shoes and almost went face-forward onto the bedroom floor.

Not as cute as it sounds.
These things are towering. My feet are at an angle that would make you shift into low gear if they were a mountain road. My calf muscles are filing a complaint with the Department of Labor as we speak for having to work under such difficult conditions.

And they're hard to walk in. I feel the way Precocious Daughter looks when she puts on a pair of my (normal) heels and totters around the living room. I had to navigate a parking lot covered with less-than-perfect asphalt, and it was like getting around Mt. Kilimanjaro in heels. I imagine.

Damn, I think my feet are going to hurt tonight.

On the other hand, my ass looks great.

Hey...who wants to go shoe shopping?


  1. Love the shoes you bought... some of the others were scary.

    I do the same thing; I have the perfect 7.5 M foot, so I never try them on. It's always fun when you plan a night out of dancing, in brand new heels that are considerable higher than you had anticipated. I've been there many, many times!! And I wear flip flops for the entire week following!!

    1. I learned a long time ago that dancing in heels is torture. For that - and that alone - I will kick off the heels and show the world my true height. :)


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