Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Brain Is Be Empty

I had, like, twelve really good ideas of things to write about today.

...and then there was gonna be a train crash, and then they were gonna kiss,
and then the monster was gonna show up...
Then I got on a conference call.

Now I'm dead.
I'm going to guess there are some people reading this who have never sat on a conference call. My first reaction is: I want your life.

So does he.
If you've never had the pleasure of dialing in to a meeting being conducted via the telephone with people you can't see and whose voices you only vaguely recognize and who don't understand the purpose of the mute button on a phone, then let me attempt to simulate the experience for you.

First, sit down on something uncomfortable. Like an fire-ant hill or a gas stove burner. Then tie yourself down with bungee cords. The really chafey kind.

When this is your ass, you're doing it right.
Next, go online and surf to the comments section of any celebrity website to immerse yourself in an elevated tone of discourse.

Then beat yourself in the head with a ball peen hammer for two hours.

Pace yourself. Two hours is a long time.
Oh, and try reading a few websites in Polish. Unless of course you actually understand Polish, in which I refer you back to the comments section of TMZ.com

It's perfectly simple. Let me repeat it three dozen times and I'm sure you'll get it.
And don't forget to stuff a couple of squirrels down your pants, just to remind yourself that you're being productive.

This squirrel accomplished more than I did today.

Now that you're uncomfortable, confused, and wishing you were doing anything else on the face of the Earth...count your blessings that you're not actually on a conference call, which is 100 times worse.

I'm not exaggerating. I don't have that many working brain cells left.
Today's call was training for my company's new management software. Because nothing educates you on a complex online system better than watching someone on a remote computer screen fumble through a software program he understands barely better than you. While arguing with four people from the software development company who insist he's doing it wrong because they have no idea what your organization actually does. And hearing your coworkers ask all the same questions that were answered on the previous six conference calls that they didn't bother attending.

If Jesus had had to minister via conference call,
we'd all be freaking Romans today.
So after two hours of taking notes that directly contradict everything I learned during previous training sessions, I have no idea what I had originally planned to write about today. I think I had come up with a solution to the unrest in Syria. Too bad, it's gone now.

I dreamed of world peace. Something about prawns, maybe.
I can hardly wait for the next call. Maybe it won't turn my brain to quinoa on toast. But I'm going to start stockpiling pictures of squirrels, just in case.

Sorry, I got cut off. What did you say starting 45 minutes ago?

P.S. Does anyone out there have a clue how to use Microsoft Dynamics CRM? Can we schedule a call on it?

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