I'm supposed to be posting an Oscar wrap-up today for the benefit of Bestest Friend, who - get this - doesn't watch TV. I know, right? But she's fabulous anyway.
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We embrace our differences. |
Anyway, I promised to write about the show today so she'd know what she missed.
But, um, I'm not doing that.
And there is a very good reason.
It has to do with, uh...
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SQUIRREL! |
No?
Would you believe...
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Alligators in the sewer? |
Not that, either?
Maybe it was because I couldn't find any pictures of Angelina Jolie and her bony-ass arms.
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Ewww, sinewy. |
Nope, lots of those around.
By the way, what did you think of the dress that random chick wore? The one that looked about 50 years too old for her.
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I don't know who Shailene Woodley is.
I'm sure the feeling is mutual. |
And am I the only one who noticed that Kermit the Frog was
totally the wrong freaking shade of green? WTF?
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I guess it's not that easy, after all. |
And one more thing, since I'm not actually posting about the Oscars: Did Zildjian pay for the product placement?
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Maybe they should have paid to not be featured in this bit. |
I did think that Christopher Plummer gave a very classy and gracious acceptance speech.
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Not that I'm writing about the Oscars. |
I do want to mention just one thing, however. I absolutely, completely, unabashedly, unironically adore Billy Crystal as host of the Oscars. He can do no wrong by me.
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Although I got a little jealous when George Clooney kissed him right on the mouth. |
Then there's Uggie from
The Artist, with his adorable little doggie-bowtie.
D'aaaawwww.
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He is so going to bury Jean Dujardin's statuette in the back yard.
Good dog. |
Oh, and if I
were posting about the Oscars, I would mention that I'm probably the only person in the world who thought that Emma Stone was not charming and perky but incredibly annoying.
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Or maybe it wasn't her, but that stupid red bow.
And the smirk. |
So...sorry, Bestest Friend. I just couldn't come up with anything to say about the Oscars, so I didn't. Except this:
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WE GET IT MARTIN SCORSESE IS A GENIUS AND
I HOPE HE HAD AN EXTRA-LARGE CHAPSTICK FOR HIS ASS
AFTER EVERY DAMN PERSON IN HOLLYWOOD KISSED IT. |
It's just as well. After all, you did give up following celebrity gossip for Lent, and it's kind of like cheating to read about it here. So I did you a favor by not saying anything, really.
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Dude, get a haircut and buy your woman a cheeseburger. |
Oops, sorry. Say three Hail Marys and rent
Hugo, which won five awards in technical categories but not Best Director or Best Picture, despite the fact that Martin Scorsese is a genius. I think I heard someone mention that last night.
There you go.
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