Friday, January 20, 2012

You Still Have Dick to Kick Around

I just want to remind everybody that even though Governor Rick Perry has dropped out of the 2012 Presidential race, Dick Perry has not.

See, they're not the same person! Because Dick Perry is not a quitter. Unlike those other Republican nominee-wannabes who have dropped out because of scandal, lack of support, or sheer ineptitude, Dick Perry knows that scandal, lack of support, and sheer ineptitude have never kept anyone out of the White House. He intends to stay in the hunt long after all reasonable signs and signals indicate he should put away his gun and grab a beer.

Dick Perry never puts away his gun to grab a beer.
That's why God gave us two hands.
 Dick Perry is running on a three-legged platform that he thought of while in the men's room of the Waffle House (note that one of the legs is much smaller than the other two):

1.  God is great.
2.  America is great.
3.  Being President is the awesomest job ever.

Based on these ideas, Dick Perry is traveling across America in a Hummer that his cousin Larry converted to run on biofuel made from the grease trap at his fried chicken restaurant outside of Buffalo Gap, Texas.

It's green. Get it?
 Every American who comes out to see Dick on his "Draggin' That Big Boy Across America" tour will get a shot of Jack Daniel's, an exclusive Dick Perry campaign button, and a handshake from the candidate himself. Just as soon as he or she successfully completes a background check and a cavity search.

His security detail is specially trained to be discreet, respectful,
and keep one hand in their ear at all times.
Because America is more important than any one man, and Dick Perry is more important than any American. That's why he's running for President of all the people he's more important than. Even the black ones and the ones who wear the beanies when they pray. Above all, Dick Perry respects diverse lifestyles, no matter how ridiculous they are.

So join me in supporting a true American citizen for President of the United States, which may or may not include New Hampshire or Massachusetts for very long if he has his way. Make him your candidate. Support your Dick.

Thank you.

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