Thursday, November 10, 2011

An Important Question About Peanut Butter

So there was a terrible peanut crop this year, and as a result, peanut and peanut butter prices are poised to skyrocket.

Worth its legumey weight in gold.
Did you know that the golden peanut statue is totally a real thing? It's in Dothan, Alabama, a place I must put on my must-see list of destinations. Any place that features a giant gold peanut (and its many fiberglass relatives) is all right by me.

So the price of a jar of Peter Pan (my preferred brand) is about to go through the roof. Oh, I'll pay, because a house without peanut butter is like a Republican debate without a goofball windbag doofus.

Take your pick.
Precocious Daughter and I both like to eat peanut butter on English muffins. If no English muffin is available, we'll just stick a spoon in the jar and start eating. Really, the bread-stuff is optional. Who needs the extra carbs?

Have you ever had toast with peanut butter and Nutella?

This is why I don't need heroin.
 The warm toast melts the peanut butter and the chocolate-hazelnut spread together and it's sweet and gooey and...oh myyyyy.

But I digress.

Here's what I'm wondering. What's going to happen to the price of things made with peanuts and/or peanut butter? Like Baskin-Robbins Peanut Butter 'n Chocolate ice cream?

And this is why I don't need cocaine.
 Or Austin peanut butter crackers?

Or...wait for it...
And this is why I don't need to have a torrid affair with Johnny Depp.
Won't someone please think of the Snickers Peanut Butter Squared?

Will these items of deliciousness become pricey in the coming weeks? Will they become scarce as manufacturers scale back on peanut-butter-based-treat production?

They'll tell the story of how people waited three days for a
peanut butter cookie during the Great Shortage of '11.
Or will nothing happen? Because all those yummy candies, crackers, and sundry snacks aren't actually made with real peanut butter at all, but contain only faux peanut butter-like substances?

A blatant case of false advertising.
 I for one am not going to sit idly by and find out. Also, I don't really want to know, because it would be kind of gross to imagine what actually lives inside a Reese's Piece.

Whatever it is, it's alien food.
 Still, I'm going to support the free market economy by hoarding peanut butter and pseudo-peanut butter-based products. Supply and demand are the cornestone of our capitalist philosophy, as when I demand that somebody bring me a supply of Snickers Peanut Butter Squared candy bars. Like gold, I'm merely investing in a scarce commodity whose value ultimately is decided by the dollar-votes of consumers.

And like oil, I'm going to speculate like crazy and try to drive the price up even further so as to get rich cornering the market. I assume that can be done with peanut butter as well as crude oil. You'll find out when you really, really crave a Peanut Butter Twix and have to pay my prices, on my terms.

It could happen.

You can bet I'll be watching this peanut crisis very closely. Very closely, indeed.

Nomnomnom...oh, crap, they're on to me!
 All your legume are belong to us. *does that crazy Robert De Niro "I'm watching you" thing with the two fingers*

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