So there was a terrible peanut crop this year, and as a result, peanut and peanut butter prices are
poised to skyrocket.
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Worth its legumey weight in gold. |
Did you know that the
golden peanut statue is totally a real thing? It's in Dothan, Alabama, a place I must put on my must-see list of destinations. Any place that features a giant gold peanut (and its many fiberglass relatives) is all right by me.
So the price of a jar of Peter Pan (my preferred brand) is about to go through the roof. Oh, I'll pay, because a house without peanut butter is like a Republican debate without a goofball windbag doofus.
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Take your pick. |
Precocious Daughter and I both like to eat peanut butter on English muffins. If no English muffin is available, we'll just stick a spoon in the jar and start eating. Really, the bread-stuff is optional. Who needs the extra carbs?
Have you ever had toast with peanut butter and Nutella?
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This is why I don't need heroin. |
The warm toast melts the peanut butter and the chocolate-hazelnut spread together and it's sweet and gooey and...
oh myyyyy.
But I digress.
Here's what I'm wondering. What's going to happen to the price of things
made with peanuts and/or peanut butter? Like Baskin-Robbins Peanut Butter 'n Chocolate ice cream?
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And this is why I don't need cocaine. |
Or Austin peanut butter crackers?
Or...wait for it...
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And this is why I don't need to have a torrid affair with Johnny Depp. |
Won't someone
please think of the Snickers Peanut Butter Squared?
Will these items of deliciousness become pricey in the coming weeks? Will they become scarce as manufacturers scale back on peanut-butter-based-treat production?
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They'll tell the story of how people waited three days for a
peanut butter cookie during the Great Shortage of '11. |
Or will
nothing happen? Because all those yummy candies, crackers, and sundry snacks aren't actually made with real peanut butter at all, but contain only faux peanut butter-like substances?
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A blatant case of false advertising. |
I for one am not going to sit idly by and find out. Also, I don't really want to know, because it would be kind of gross to imagine what actually lives inside a Reese's Piece.
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Whatever it is, it's alien food. |
Still, I'm going to support the free market economy by hoarding peanut butter and pseudo-peanut butter-based products. Supply and demand are the cornestone of our capitalist philosophy, as when I demand that somebody bring me a supply of Snickers Peanut Butter Squared candy bars. Like gold, I'm merely investing in a scarce commodity whose value ultimately is decided by the dollar-votes of consumers.
And like oil, I'm going to speculate like crazy and try to drive the price up even further so as to get rich cornering the market. I assume that can be done with peanut butter as well as crude oil. You'll find out when you really, really crave a Peanut Butter Twix and have to pay
my prices, on
my terms.
It could happen.
You can bet I'll be watching this peanut crisis very closely. Very closely, indeed.
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Nomnomnom...oh, crap, they're on to me! |
All your legume are belong to us. *does that crazy Robert De Niro "I'm watching you" thing with the two fingers*
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