I Do Not Support This!

A gentleman of my acquaintance on the West Coast wants to know if I can find him an armadillo purse. He says it's not for him, but hey, West Coast amiright? (That's just to piss him off. Actually it's a good thing he doesn't live in the East, because he leans so far to the right he'd end up capsizing Maine.)

In any event, there really is such a thing as an armadillo purse, and it really is exactly what it sounds like: A purse fashioned from a whole dead armadillo. I suppose if you're not from Texas you may not have seen many armadillos. They're adorable armor-plated critters:

Awww! Unfortunately, when you live in an urban part of the state, they're relatively uncommon, and when they are seen they tend to look more like this:

Poor 'dillo!  Not even your protective shell can save you from a Ford F350 in a hurry.

At some point in the past - I'm going to guess the 30s and 40s, when people loved to kill animals for fashion - armadillo purses became a popular novelty accessory. They looked something like this:

You see it correctly: That's the poor armadillo's head and pointy little feet incorporated right into the design.  Because someone thought, "There's a interesting, exotic-looking animal. Let's kill it and then commemorate the killing in the most tasteless way possible." And yes, those are fake rubies where its eyes would be. 

Who wouldn't want to sport one of these around town? Especially if it came with a fully three-dimensional head:

Or was dyed chic black:

 Or was made to look as if it were eating its own tail?

Because that's not tasteless at all.

Reminder - armadillo:

Aramdillo purse:

Maybe I could send my friend one of these instead:

Cute, responsible, and just $14.95. Some of those "antique" armadillo purses go for hundreds of dollars! Who would pay that? Besides being tacky and a sad trophy to vanity, I'll bet they smell gross inside. Ever smelled an armadillo? It's not exactly lavender sachet.

Or maybe I could point him to other animal-based handbags. In the Philippines, you can purchase one of these:

In Australia, you can get a crocodile bag ("for the ladies," as the website says - sorry, guys, you'll have to find some other reptile to skin and wear):

Then there's this:

I think this was Photoshopped so the blogger could make a point about our relationship with animals. If it wasn't, I don't want to know.

No, I don't want a purse made out of a frog, or a croc, or a kitten, or even a cow, when it comes right down to it. I'll take my cheap faux-leather bag and be glad it wasn't once somebody's littermate. And as for my friend on the West Coast: I'll keep my eye out for an authentic armadillo purse, if you'll consider trading for one made out of Republicanhide.