OK, now the list is complete. Go on with your life.
I'm learning how to be a grown-up single person. It's different from what I'm used to.
|That's me in the middle of everything I used to know.|
|Yay, it's fun.|
1. Drink all the alcohol. All of it. The bottle you bought five days ago that you promised would last two weeks, the small bottle of the good stuff your estranged spouse bought you to distract from shafting you $1500 on Christmas Day, the two bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade that otherwise might have stayed in the fridge forever because you don't really like Mike's Hard Lemonade. It will solve nothing. Do it anyway.
2. Spend some time checking out your ass in the new jeans you bought this weekend. They're a smaller size than anything you've worn in at least five years. And while I don't recommend the end your marriage, sell your house, and ruin your credit diet, you can't argue with the results. Your ass looks great. Admire it, because no one else will.
3. Color your hair. Over the last few months, taking care of your hair has taken a back seat to pretty much everything. You're sick and tired of your mousey-blonde, gray-streaked roots. Color it. Yes, you're going to get a lot of your new highlights chopped off later this week, but who cares? You love the smell of the conditioner.
4. Dance naked. Because you can. No one can see you or your cottage-cheese thighs. Enjoy your killer moves.
5. Turn off the alarm. You're sleeping in tomorrow. If you must sleep alone, at least sleep late. You deserve it.
Good night, Drunkards.