Monday, June 1, 2015

Chuck and Chuck's Principles for Life

Precocious Daughter gave me a whole stack of bookmarks featuring Chuck Norris' Principles for Life.

Starring Chuck Norris.
My child knows me so well.

Chuck Norris, of course, is the founder, sponsor, and spirit animal of PDaughter's karate organization. And the reason I willingly drag myself to whatever corner of Texas is holding the state karate tournament each year. Because I can't miss my yearly opportunity to yell "Hi Chuck!"

This is as close as I am legally and ethically allowed
to get to Chuck Norris.
Anyway, PDaughter's karate instructor happened to have a stack of these bookmarks sitting around, and she snagged them for me because she is wonderfully tolerant of my Chuck obsession, as long as I stop short of actually inspiring a restraining order.

So I'm reading through Chuck's Principles for Life - as one does - and I realized a couple of things.

One is that, if Chuck is true to his words on this bookmark, then he essentially is Jesus in black pajamas.

Second is that there is no way Chuck can be true to his words. Human beings were not created to be this perfect.

Mostly we are made of derp.
I know that Chuck has an image to protect, a persona to project. And I'm willing to cut him plenty of slack when it comes to his bookmark o' principles. If I were Chuck, I would pretend to live my live this way, too.

But I don't.

So if you admire the icon that is Chuck Norris but despair of ever approaching his level of Chuckness, then I've got good news.

I've created some alternate principles for life for the rest of us. They parallel Chuck's principles, but they're a tad bit more accessible to those of us who don't reach the pinnacle of Mt. St. Walker Texas Ranger.

In the following list, Chuck Norris' Principles for Life are in bold, and Chuck Baudelaire's Principles for At Least Not Failing are below.

Mix and match, if you feel so bold.

Chuck's (and Chuck's) Principles for Life

I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
I will remember that crushing, humiliating failure means I at least tried

I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
I will rewrite my personal history as often as necessary, or at least until the new version starts showing up on Google.

I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.
I will endeavor not to physically attack people who smile at me before I've had my coffee.

I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family and acknowledge that no other success can compensate for failure in the home.

I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
I will wish nothing but the best for the sister-in-law who shunned me after I separated from my spouse and who has now decided she'd rather have sex with women than with her unfaithful husband.

If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will write a blog post.

I will always give so much time to the improvement of myself that I will have no time to criticize others.
As long as vodka counts as self-improvement.

I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
I will swallow my envy and resentment of successful people until it appears that I am just thrilled for them.

I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness toward another person's viewpoint while still holding fast to what I know to be true and honest.
I will never, ever subscribe to that "love the sinner, hate the sin" bullshit. Being a judgmental hypocrite is a way worse sin than anything one can do by being true to oneself.

I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
Unless those in authority act like assholes. Then all bets are off.

I will always remain loyal to my God, my country, family and my friends.
I will remain to loyal to people and entities whose actions inspire loyalty. I won't defend anyone for being a shithead.

I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.
I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life despite what my family or my country thinks, and I will rise above my own doubts so that I can transcend the arbitrary opinions of others.

The thing about principles is that we can create our own, and as long as we live by them, no one can call us a failure.



  1. I'm too lazy to create my own principles. I'd rather just plagiari---er, borrow yours. Actually with a tiny bit of tweaking I'd like to put your principles on a bookmark. And put a picture of how I imagine you at the top. How do I imagine you? Let's just say it's like Clooney's derp face: no matter what you do you still look amazing.

  2. I prefer yours. And I think yours are more likely his in real life, even though he would never admit that. I personally would prefer to be you when I grow up, vs. the other judgmental homophobic hypocrite that he is....even though the pic I have of him and my son is priceless! :D

  3. I'm having a hard time choosing a favorite, but right at this moment it's this

    "If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
    If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will write a blog post."

  4. No kidding about the bitchy SIL? No wonder she's been so horrible -- she actually has an unrequited thing for you and is jealous of Drummer Boy....

    1. And tonight I learned I'm supposed to care about her sick dog and her other problems. I mean, sorry for anyone who is suffering, but...get stuffed, you bitch.


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