Friday, August 15, 2014

The Story of My Week

It's been a tough week, Drunkards.

I took Robin Williams' death very hard. Am taking it very hard. Like many millions of people, I loved him for his brilliant comedic mind, his generosity, and the joie de vivre he exuded, which turned out to be a much more limited resource than any of us knew. I'm haunted by the thought that this gifted person, with the love and support of so many, still found it more desirable to die alone, and by his own hand, than to live with his demons.

I want to see his death as a cautionary tale, a plea for the rest of us to stay strong and seek help. But the blackest parts of my mind want to dangle it in front of me like a carrot on a stick instead. "With all he had, he couldn't find peace in life," my own demons whisper. "What chance do you have?"

I know they're just heckling me, as they've done for years. My demons are assholes. They know they'll never actually prevail, but for them that just means they can mess with me indefinitely.

And this week my resistance is low. Drummer Boy is away, trying to get closure on some personal matters. I miss him, which is a fairly absurd concept in the age of social media, but there you go. And of course the demons are weighing in on this, too. "He's not coming back. He's coming back, but he's changed his mind about you. He's had time to think about your nonsense, and guess what he's decided?"

My hormones aren't helping. It's PMS week, and they're out of control. I've been yelling at a lot of cars in traffic this week. Everybody seems to drive much worse when I have PMS. How do they know? Bastards.

I'm also doing myself no favors. I let myself run out of Prozac just as the hormones started to put on their monthly show. I can go two, maybe three days without my happy pills before I start to spiral. I ended up missing five days. I've been back on them for two days, and it takes about two days for them to regain control of the crazy train. Today, about mid-morning, I could actually feel sanity returning. It's a very distinct feeling. Which itself is a fairly crazy thing to say. But I'm sure some of you understand, and the rest of you are fortunate to not have to understand.

So it's been a conspiracy of circumstances working to disrupt my equilibrium. And it's done a good job. I've been pretty messed up this week.

But I'm back on my meds, the PMS will sort itself out in a few days, Drummer Boy will be home soon, and my personal demons will get bored with harassing me and go harass gun nuts on Twitter, which is more fun for everyone.

Robin Williams is still gone. And that's still very difficult for me.

Life is full of stories. Sometimes there aren't enough happy endings to go around.

11 comments:

  1. Oh, yes - I've made the mistake of skipping a few days of Effexor. I know from whence you speak. This too shall pass. So will the PMS.

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  2. Hang in there, Chuck. I have been battling demons all week myself. His story, as well as the similar stories that have been posted recently, have really had me on edge. This week was also an anniversary of a very painful event in my life....so that already had me a bit off. You know where to find me (and my orange vodka) if you need me.

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  3. I get what the demons say. I've been listening to them since I was 17, after all. Sometimes they're closer than at other times.

    You've got friends and a great daughter. Remember that.

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  4. Listen to Bill. He's got it.

    I absolutely adore you <3

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  5. I don't think there are any demons out there that aren't assholes. They think they have jobs to do (make us feel miserable, talk us into doing bad things, talk us out of taking care of ourselves, you name it...). The key, I think, is to keep remembering that *we* have jobs to do, too (take care of ourselves and others), and just try to be slightly better at our jobs than the demons. Love you.

    JFB

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  6. Ditto. Bill. Nailed it.
    And... The Rick Perry news will soon have your creative juices flowing, I just know it.

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  7. It was a horrible week. I think a lot of us took this news badly..I know I did. Last week is a blur and I'm really holding out hope for this week to be better.

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  8. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's terrible when multiple hard things happen at the same time. I really like your optimism at the end. You acknowledge that things will get better. How are you now?

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    1. Oh honey, thank you for asking. I am doing much better. All of last week's problems are still around (except for the PMS), but my coping mechanisms are firmly in place this week. Ask me again next week. :)

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    2. You are most welcome! I will ask you again!

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