Friday, December 27, 2013

It's Happening Again

You may recall that last month I saw Willie Nelson in concert. It was a close call, because my stupid brain tried to pelt me with reason after reason to back out, as if my brain were a demented monkey flinging feces of negativity in my direction. This is a not-inaccurate description of my psyche. But ultimately I resisted the urge to just pay BekS for my ticket and then stay home, wrapped in a heavy and itchy cloak of fear and regret.

The concert was absolutely wonderful from start to finish. And in the weeks since, I've managed to convince myself that when his band's tour bus crashed a few hours later, sending three people to the hospital, probably it would have happened whether I'd been there or not. I almost certainly did not inadvertently hex them with my gaze from the 26th row.

If I had that kind of power, my world would be
a very different place.
Unlimited free burritos, for one thing.
Still, it's hard for me to work up the guts to do social things. I tend to chalk it up to social anxiety, because that's an easy label that most people understand as a thing. But I know people who really and truly suffer from social anxiety, and I don't think that's my problem, and I don't want to minimize their experience by using it as a convenient handle for the real issue.

The real issue, I believe, is that I'm a complete misfit and I lack the physical and spiritual energy to generate and maintain my normal-field around other people.

Edgar from Men in Black did a much better job than I can manage.
The thing is, tomorrow night I'm supposed to go see a band play. It's a very cool local venue, friends will be there, it's the band's swan song, and all in all a highly anticipated event. Should be a fun evening.

I'm so fucking scared to go that I'm starting to cry as I type.

Because it's sad.
It's doesn't help that the last time I attended a similar show, I had a very messy meltdown. It doesn't help that I'll be acutely aware of being a fat suburban mom in a club full of cool people, or that I'll feel like an outsider because most everyone there will have a shared history. But not me because the only way I've survived life this long is by avoiding experiences on general principle.

It doesn't help that the only reason I want to go is because Drummer Boy will be there, but between the music and all the people I probably won't be able to spend five minutes with him all night, which seems to be a pretty poor return on the investment of every ounce of my limited reserves of poise and not-being-a-complete-idiot-in-public energy.

And it doesn't help that I had to endure a lot - and I mean a lot - of stressful negotiations at home just to be allowed this evening out. Frankly, I need it to be pretty damn perfect to justify the way I had to feel to earn it. It seems to me the bar is probably set way too high going into this thing.

Hell, if I could be that flexible,
I wouldn't need to leave the house. Bad-da-dum.
So I don't know. Maybe it will be wonderful. Or would be, if I could make myself go. But maybe tomorrow night I'll just go see a movie by myself. Something unpopular so the theatre won't be crowded.

Because it's starting to look as if I won't let this happen.


  1. Do it! Go! Have fun and wonder later what you were so scared of. :)

  2. The most effective way to make your anxiety much, much worse is to avoid the thing that is making you anxious. The most effective way to squash that anxiety is to go ahead and do that thing that scares you. Poof! There goes the anxiety! I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: "You [Chuck] must do the thing you think you cannot do."


  3. You so need to go! It's going to be hard to get out the door, but once you get there, you're going to have a great time. Social anxiety/self loathing is a tough thing to get through, buy if there is something I've seen by reading this blog and your FB, you are a bad ass chick! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you have a big virtual support system here. We love you, we adore you, and we want you to go out and have the time of your life. If anyone deserves it, you most certainly do.

    Besides, I've seen Beks. She's mean :)

  4. You are too hard on yourself. Go, have a life experience. Do it for us. As your table-crashing-at-the-Middle-School experience proved, you can at least get a column out of it!

  5. To quote Rob Schneider, "Ewe can do eet!" It will be hard at first, but you're over-thinking it. Just put on your big girl panties and go have some fun. You deserve it honey-bear. *hugs!*

    And then come back here and tell us all about it!


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.