Christmas is the Time for Crippling Insecurities

If you follow my Facebook page, you know that I received both Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson and Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh as gifts.

And if you don't follow my Facebook page, for God's sake throw me a bone, people. This entire post is going to be about my feelings of inadequacy. How about if you don't add to it by ignoring me on social media?

I'm GREAT, you hear me?

So I tore through Allie Brosh's book today in a couple of hours. I would have torn through it yesterday when I got it, except that I never got my hands on it. Every person who came to the house picked it up and spent, like, an hour with it, laughing out loud all the while. As a result I felt bad about myself before I ever cracked the cover. Just call me an emotional meltdown prepper.

People, read this book. Buy it, borrow it, steal it, I don't care. (Really, I don't. Get your ass thrown in jail over a book recommendation, whatever. Just don't get a funny blog post out of it, because I could NOT handle that.)  It's amazing. It's immensely funny, and it's touching, and it's just so goddamn smart. Allie Brosh is a hugely talented, creative person. I don't even mind that she makes me feel as if I can't write my own fucking name.

Hardly at all.

I am this. The cat is everybody else.
The bowl is pretty cool, too.

Then I started on Jenny Lawson's book, and I've gotten through the first few chapters. Can I drop a little secret here? I read TheBloggess.com pretty damn faithfully, but it's not really my favorite blog. It's sometimes hilarious, no doubt. Honestly, though, I read it mostly because it's The Bloggess, and everyone in the galaxy reads it.

And I maybe have this tiny, utterly insane notion that I'm keeping tabs on the competition, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Someone slap me, please.

Anyway, the book is incredible. I'm loving it. I can't wait to get back to it.

Because I love self-flagellation, clearly.

There are two ways I can react to reading these two books, written by these two inspiring and totally kick-ass women:

1) I can aspire to join them, by stepping up my game, honing my craft, working at getting my stuff read, and believing in myself.

2) I can design a device that will kick me in the ass every time I push a button, then curl up into a fetal position with a bottle of vodka and start pushing that fucker until I'm too drunk to work my fingers.

Technically, I suppose I can do both of these things, either simultaneously or on alternating days. I could also give up this whole writing scam and concentrate on being a productive citizen of  my community.

I'd need to buy some mom jeans.

Hmmm.

Can I just do the parts where I hone my craft and drink vodka?

Or hone my vodka and drink my craft?

Look, until a miracle occurs and you can buy a book written by me, read Let's Pretend This Never Happened and Hyperbole and a Half. They're fantastic. You can borrow my copies, if you don't mind the occasional page stained with bitter tears.

And peanut oil. I got a big jar of mixed nuts for Christmas, too. Santa is trying to send me a message, clearly.