Monday, April 22, 2013

I'm Just Saying the Guys on DIY Network Would Probably Agree with Me

Look, it's been pretty well established that I'm a terrible person. 

Making Jesus cry since 1968.
It must be the way my brain is wired. I don't TRY to be terrible. Mostly it happens as a completely reflexive reaction to...almost everything. In other words, I don't think about being a jerky bitchy jerky bitch. I just am.

Case in point.

I read this little parable on Facebook today. It's one of those "teachable moments" stories that float around the Internet or pop up in "Dear Abby" to inspire us and make us think and be a better person.

And I just hate those fucking stories.

See, like that. Sorry.
Have some damn flowers.

The problem with these little tear-jerking life lessons is that they assume I want to be a better person. Or am capable of doing so. Or give a crap about changing based on some hack piece of storytelling that doesn't even have a car chase or Robert Downey Jr. with his shirt off. This one is called "Nails in the Fence," and it goes something like this:

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

Moral: Keeping your temper is hard, but it's a lot easier than needlessly scarring people and also like totally super worth it.


Because I can go to Home Depot and rent a nail gun for pretty cheap, and not only will it shoot those SOBs into the fence with zero effort on my part, but there aren't going to be any freaking wounds from pulling them out because they're staying the hell in, where they belong.

Now, see here, Beav - wait, you make a good point.
Here's my takeaway form this tale: If you're so goddamn worried about leaving holes in a fence, then take a moment and make sure you're pounding them in exactly where they deserve to be.

Measure twice, maim once.

Also, I'm not sure why the father in the story has such a huge problem with nails and then tells his kid he can just stab a dude instead.

Sounds kind of hostile to me.


  1. That's a douche bag move by the father. "Ho, good job overcoming that problem I told you you had to overcome, working hard to do it and finally mastering it. But instead of telling you how proud I am, I'm going to lay the mother of all guilt trips on you instead." Douche!

  2. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that finds that side of the story. It's much easier to rent a nail gun than to control your temper and/or give a shit. Some people are just not worthy of my shit, and should just be shot in the head with said nail gun.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.