Creepy, Creepy Monkey: A Christmas Tale

Today Pablo showed me a zombie monkey.

That sentence seems wrong, somehow.

Let me try again.

Pablo ordered a plush zombie monkey (among other neato things) from ThinkGeek, and today it was delivered to the office, and he showed it to me along with the other things he had ordered to give as Christmas gifts. Because he's pretty cool that way.

I immediately fell in love with the zombie monkey. Because zombie monkey.

Omigosh, he's adorable.

Now, that picture there is from ThinkGeek's website, and if you don't already go there all the damn time and like them on Facebook and order worthless way-cool shit from them on a regular basis, you should. You just should, OK?

Here's the thing. Zombie monkeys turn out to have strange, creepy powers. Who knew? Not me. I was loving on Pablo's zombie monkey (which is not for me, so sorry to the person to whom he's actually giving it for the combination of drool and salty tears with which I baptized it while I was loving on it), totally just thinking it was the softest, sweetest, most darling undead stuffed simian ever, when I decided to take a picture of it. Because zombie monkey. If that's not blog fodder, I have no idea what is. Which I clearly do not.

I got my cell phone and set the zombie monkey (sweet, sweet monkey, awwwww) on Pablo's desk and snapped a picture. Done and done. Then I did some work, because at this job apparently they expect that on a daily basis and actually provide things to do. What a concept.

Pffft. I call shenanigans.
You're never too busy to announce how busy you are.



When I got home from work, I did some important things like have a fight with Beloved Spouse and buy vodka and make up and eat burritos and - oh! - trim the Christmas tree, which looks so beautiful I want to eat it, except I'd throw up the needles the way the cats do when they stupidly eat them even though they do it every year and every year they throw up.

But I digress. When all that was done, I sat down to post the picture of Zombie Monkey here. And I found out something: Zombie Monkey does not want its picture taken. I pulled up the cell-phone picture in my photo-editing software to resize it and adjust the contrast and all those things I usually have to do after I've taken a picture with my crappy cell-phone camera.  Just little tweaks, really. Except this time, I got this:

STOP STARING AT ME

Just for the record, my cell-phone camera generally doesn't bathe pictures in an eerie diffused glow, or inexplicably put a band of an entirely different color spectrum at the edge of the image. I think my camera had a staring contest with Zombie Monkey, and lost. Badly.

So to whoever will be the recipient of this or any other plush zombie monkey this Christmas, I say: Beware. It can do things we don't understand. It can jack with cameras. Just think what it might do if you stared into its eyes with your own.

DON'T DO IT LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY

Too late. I fear I've gazed upon its deceptively benign visage for too long. Save yourselves. Get some anti-zombie monkey repellent and apply it liberally. I'll bet ThinkGeek carries it. They have all kinds of bizarre crap.

 I wonder if they sell cameras.