What I'm Not Saying About the Oscars

I'm supposed to be posting an Oscar wrap-up today for the benefit of Bestest Friend, who - get this - doesn't watch TV. I know, right? But she's fabulous anyway.

We embrace our differences.

Anyway, I promised to write about the show today so she'd know what she missed.

But, um, I'm not doing that.

And there is a very good reason.

It has to do with, uh...

SQUIRREL!

No?

Would you believe...

Alligators in the sewer?

Not that, either?

Maybe it was because I couldn't find any pictures of Angelina Jolie and her bony-ass arms.

Ewww, sinewy.

Nope, lots of those around.

By the way, what did you think of the dress that random chick wore? The one that looked about 50 years too old for her.

I don't know who Shailene Woodley is.
I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

And am I the only one who noticed that Kermit the Frog was totally the wrong freaking shade of green? WTF?

I guess it's not that easy, after all.

And one more thing, since I'm not actually posting about the Oscars: Did Zildjian pay for the product placement?

Maybe they should have paid to not be featured in this bit.

I did think that Christopher Plummer gave a very classy and gracious acceptance speech.

Not that I'm writing about the Oscars.

I do want to mention just one thing, however. I absolutely, completely, unabashedly, unironically adore Billy Crystal as host of the Oscars. He can do no wrong by me.

Although I got a little jealous when George Clooney kissed him right on the mouth.

Then there's Uggie from The Artist, with his adorable little doggie-bowtie. D'aaaawwww.

He is so going to bury Jean Dujardin's statuette in the back yard.
Good dog.

Oh, and if I were posting about the Oscars, I would mention that I'm probably the only person in the world who thought that Emma Stone was not charming and perky but incredibly annoying.

Or maybe it wasn't her, but that stupid red bow.
And the smirk.

So...sorry, Bestest Friend. I just couldn't come up with anything to say about the Oscars, so I didn't. Except this:

WE GET IT MARTIN SCORSESE IS A GENIUS AND
I HOPE HE HAD AN EXTRA-LARGE CHAPSTICK FOR HIS ASS
AFTER EVERY DAMN PERSON IN HOLLYWOOD KISSED IT.

It's just as well. After all, you did give up following celebrity gossip for Lent, and it's kind of like cheating to read about it here. So I did you a favor by not saying anything, really.

Dude, get a haircut and buy your woman a cheeseburger.

Oops, sorry. Say three Hail Marys and rent Hugo, which won five awards in technical categories but not Best Director or Best Picture, despite the fact that Martin Scorsese is a genius. I think I heard someone mention that last night.

There you go.