A Short Short SHORT Post

Precocious Daughter and I were shopping at Target the other day when we saw this in the juniors' clothing section:

Shown just about actual size.

To clarify, neither PDaughter nor I actually shop in the juniors' department. She's still in kiddo sizes (despite her budding figure that makes me very, very nervous on a daily basis), and I haven't been that size or shape since...well, ever. When puberty hit, my peasant lineage came through with a vengeance. There was no way I was ever going to have the slim-hipped, flat-bootied roller-disco body that was in all the ads for Jordache and Chic jeans circa 1980. I had curves, so I went straight to misses' sizes, where I've stayed to this day.

For the record, I'm fine with curves.
Remember that.

Anyway, PDaughter and I both stopped in our tracks when we saw these shorts.

Here they are again. They haven't gotten any longer.

I totally admit, my first thought on seeing these was, "What kind of mother would let her daughter wear those?" My second thought was, "My daughter is never, ever going to go out in public in those." And my third thought was, "Damn, I wish I could wear those."

The thing is, almost nobody can wear shorts like these. Including 9 out of 10 people who actually wear them. This is the tenth person:

Male readers: She's not into you. Trust me.

These are the other nine:

Note: No matter which type of body my child ends up with - and it matters not one bit which she ends up with, as long as she's happy and healthy - she is never going out in public in those shorts. Not while she's living under my roof, not after she moves out and makes her own decisions, not as long as I can somehow contact her from beyond the grave. As a mother, I won't let someone I love desecrate the temple of her body by making it look that slutty and/or hideous.

I said I wished I could wear them. I didn't say I would.

I've seen young women wearing shorts like these over leggings or tights so that their ass cheeks weren't blushing for all the world to see. That fashion choice doesn't really placate me. I think the only way I'd let PDaughter rock that look was if she were wearing them over an entirely separate pair of pants. Preferably made of heavy canvas and embroidered with the Lord's Prayer. And covered by a knee-length shirt.

Oh, dear. I think my hair just
spontaneously went up in a bun.

By the way, the shorts I photographed were a size 3. They were available up to size 17. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't beautiful women out there with hot, toned bodies that just happen to be a size 17. I'm sure there are. I'm also pretty sure they're not the ones buying these shorts.

Based purely on unscientific observations, you understand.

Thankfully, PDaughter's reaction to the Target short-short-shorts was almost as goggle-eyed as mine. She's still a little kid at heart, with a healthy dose of modesty thanks to her own peasant lineage. That could change when the hormones start pouring in. She might decide that shorts with an inseam that can be measured in millimeters is just the thing she wants to wear. Along with piercings, black eyeliner, and whatever's on sale at Hot Topic that week. Of course, for her own good, I'll say hell no.

Or better yet, I'll say sure...but only if I get to wear them, too. Out in public, at her side, preferably to a PTA meeting.

Or the skating rink.
(True story: I owned those exact skates.)

Sometimes I really, really, really love being a mom.