Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Celebri-chimps. Or Maybe Chimp-lebrities.

This is a chimpanzee.

Oh, my gosh, how beautiful is this animal? Look at those expressive eyes! Granted, he may be thinking about nothing more clever than flinging poo at the next photographer who comes along. Or he may be wondering when humans will finally learn to communicate with him so he and his primate brethren can share the wisdom they've accumulated over so many millennia. Or pondering the degrees of separation between him and Cheeta, which I'll bet is a popular chimp pastime.

Whatever he's doing, he's doing it with an intelligence that some say rivals our own. And with a DNA match between chimps and humans of somewhere between 95 and 98 percent, it's no wonder they sometimes act and, yes, look a lot like us. Or vice versa.

That 2-5% genetic difference supposedly accounts for the evolutionary gap between us. I don't think we're too far apart, actually, other than our superior looks and obviously more advanced behavior. In fact, let's take a look at some of the simple behaviors that separate the primitive chimp from the sophisticated human.

The ability to act with CGI anacondas, make bootylicious music videos, and judge bad singing on national television.

The ability to practice Scientology, maintain a wildly erratic Hollywood career, and act like a bouncing lunatic on talk-show couches.

The ability to adopt hundreds of children with a common-law wife and star in incomprehensible Terence Malick films.

The ability to run for President despite not knowing the difference between a cowboy and a serial killer, and having to compete against that other total flake MILF conservative politician.

The ability to indulge in massive quantities of drugs and whores, get fired from a $2 million a week job, and go on a national tour despite having little stage presence and no act.

The ability to somehow manage to be a gay Japanese beloved sci-fi hero talk-show guest spokesperson compulsive Tweeter. (Oh myyyy.)

The ability to star in three increasingly pointless Transformers movies and take up more or less permanent residence in the gossip columns for various exploits not related to acting.

The ability to cause a worldwide sensation by kissing in public on their wedding day and be the young, beautiful faces of an archaic and crumbling monarchy.

The ability to make millions by starring as a wholesome teen on the Disney Channel, then turn 18 and blow the whole wad on slutty stage costumes and fake weed.

You know what? I shouldn't be comparing humans to chimpanzees. It's not nice, it's not true, and it's certainly not fair to the chimps. And if you can't figure out who I used as my homo sapiens models of behavior, scroll past the vociferous chimp for the answers.

Jennifer Lopez, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Michele Bachmann, Charlie Sheen, George Takei, Shia Laboeuf, Prince William, Kate Middleton, Miley Cyrus. Of all these, I think George Takei compares pretty favorably to a chimp. The rest are a bunch of monkeys.

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