Monday, May 2, 2011

The New Leader of Al Qaida: Superman?

Who says comic-book heroes are out of touch?  In a confluence of events that must have some nerdlinger editor crying mommy in his pants, no sooner does Osama bin Laden drop dead of a sudden two bullets to the head at close range from U.S. Special Ops forces than Superman tells America to fuck off.

It's true:  In upcoming issue #900 of Action Comics, the Man of Steel will renounce his U.S. citizenship.  The reason he gives has to do with fighting crime from a global perspective in today's connected world or some we-are-the-world crap like that.  Sheesh. Next he'll be whining that the Fortress of Solitude is melting because of global warming climate change Al Gore's electric bill. 

Personally, I think Supes is protesting the ridiculous $5.99 cover price of issue #900 of Action Comics.  Six bucks for a comic book and they don't even sell Nixon watches on the back cover?  Doesn't seem much like the America I grew up in, either.

It's clear to me that there's more here than meets the x-ray vision.  Once Superman gives up being American, he becomes just another mysterious, powerful dude who can marshal great powers against his enemies and who operates in many countries but claims allegiance to none.  I don't know a whole lot about the DC Comics universe, but in my universe, we call that a terrorist.

And looky here, the most nefarious terrorist operation in the world just happens to find itself without a leader this week.  Isn't that as convenient as Clark Kent happening to pass Superman on his way in?  Yeah.  I think I know one Kryptonian loner and one headless snake that aren't going to be traveling in different directions for very long.  The next time we see him, Superman will have traded in his cape and tights for a turban and some flowing robes.

He can keep the spit-curl.
Uh-uh, no way.  Screw that.  Superman is AMERICAN, dammit.  He was raised on a farm by fat American farmers.  He grew up drinking milk and eating Twizzlers (I assume).  He wears the colors of the American flag:  red and blue, and of course his skin is white.  He stands for truth, justice, and the American way, which is all about vanquishing bad guys with superhuman speed, strength, and arrogance.  The man is not cosmopolitan.  He's not multi-culti.  He's just

And he's far too dangerous to become the new head of Al Qaida.  If the Man of Steel follows through on this threatened renunciation of U.S. citizenship, I don't think we'll have any choice but to terminate with extreme prejudice.  Apparently we know how to do that now.

And we don't say this until we've done it.
But wait.  There could be a loophole here.  It could be that Superman doesn't have to give up his Americanity, because he's already a citizen of the world.  I learned this from an actual exchange of comments on this critical subject between two scholars of the superhero arts and sciences.

It adds immeasurably to the discussion to imagine it occurring
in the voices of Otto and Comic Book Guy.
George (aka Otto)

Superman hasn't been solely a US citizen since the seventies – he has citizenship in every UN chartered nation. But no one seems to remember that anymore.

Aardie (aka CBG)
Perhaps nobody remembers the 70's in the Superman comics since the continuity was rebooted in 1986 during Crisis on Infinite Earths...duh.

So there...uh, duh.  I can only hope these two are on to something, for the sake of America, the world, and the fans who like to dress up as their heroes in spandex and then go out in public and wonder why people are staring at them.  You know, Lady Gaga fans.  Now there's someone who could go far in the Al Qaida organization.  She'd have those Islamic extremists dancing in lockstep in no time.  And she'd get rid of those tacky turbans, too. 

On second thought, let's keep her on our side.  And if Superman gets all the terrorists to start prancing around in tights with him, they might just get embarrassed out of existence.

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