Local Blogger Declares: Karma Is Onion-Flavored

I for one was surprised and delighted to learn today that the website, physical assets, and intellectual property of the worm-infested journalistic horse apple known as Infowars have been purchased at auction by America's Finest News Source, The Onion.

Says so right there.
And as the US Constitution states, "Thou shalt not lie
on the Internet lest ye be voted off the island."

This is an actual true story. As you may know, Alex Jones, who I firmly believe is insane and is also the biological offspring of a feral hog and an oversize sentient human thumb, is on the hook for a soul-quenching $1.4 billion for being an absolute asshole to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook mass shooting. Imagine spending 10 years trying to get your dick hard at the expense of murdered children, only to be fined approximately a billion dollars for every inch you were actually able to achieve. No wonder he's always crying like a little bitch.

"I regret that I have but one inch to give to
them hookers." 
- American patriot Alex Jones

Anyway, I am a longtime fan of The Onion, which was started in my very own home state of Wisconsin in 1988 as an actual (sort of) newspaper and made the leap to the Internet in 1996. Since then it's provided endless entertainment from two primary sources. First, there are its amusing, satirical headlines (such as "Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job" and my personal favorite, "Kitten Thinks of Nothing But Murder All Day"). Then there are the hordes of people who, with great sincerity and zero critical thinking skills, believe that its amusing, satirical headlines are real.

Imagine the Venn diagram of "people who believe The Onion is real" and "people who base their world view on Alex Jones." Just a round, smooth circle, much like their cerebral cortices.

"It's like kissing a peanut."

I don't know what Onion parent company Global Tetrahedron LLC (also a real thing) paid for the toxic assets of the Infowars brand. One can only imagine how much over that price it will cost to get what must be the goatlike stench of Alex Jones' ass out of the host's chair and other soft furniture that conveyed with the purchase. But they must have done some cipherin' and figured the ROI was worth it. It can't all be for the sake of trolling the bastard, can it?

On that same note, I also don't know what The Onion plans to do with their newly acquired empire of conspiracy-mongering and hateful chucklefuckery. Charge lamebrained Jones followers $20 a pop for microphone rides? Sell photo ops at his erstwhile desk with a cardboard cutout of one of his most flattering poses?

I saw a version of this where someone
had photoshopped boobs onto him,
which just seems redundant.

On the other hand, The Onion has also taken possession of the vast trove of audio and video clips of Alex elucidating his most compelling theories. These include top hits like "government chemicals are turning frogs gay," former Special Counsel Robert Mueller is "a literal swamp king creature come to kill America," and of course the godfather of them all, the one that brought him to where he stands, lumpy and destitute, today, "the shadow people populated most of a small town in Connecticut with actors pretending to be schoolchildren and their families for the purpose of [unintelligible rage-drooling]."

The value of repackaging and replaying such content is immense to a satirical publication like The Onion. The staff may never have to work hard again. No more toiling to create headlines so outlandish yet plausible that only a bunch of mono-toothed mouth-breathers would believe they were true. All they need do is publish a transcript or upload a clip, and boom! Time to crack open a White Claw and call it good.

Good luck, Onion. I can't wait to see what you do with the rotting carcass of Alex Jones after the hazmat teams have finished their work.

One last thing: In my research for this post, I found this article from The Onion. It was published exactly 15 years ago today. They're not just clever, they're goddamn clairvoyants.