GOOD Things About the Trump Win

There are lots of terrible, awful things about Donald Trump's election victory the other night. The biggest is that he's going to be President again. As awful, terrible things go, that's the apex predator of craptacularity. 

(There's a little red squiggly underscore trying to tell me that "craptacularity" isn't a word. It is too a word. I have the best words.)

Yeah, all that stuff.

Among the other terrible things that will inevitably happen, he'll assemble a Cabinet of unqualified toadies who will range from the merely incompetent to the truly malevolent. He'll roll back environmental protections that were restored by President Biden after Trump rolled them back the first time around. He'll impose potentially disastrous tariffs that will antagonize our enemies and punish our allies.

(Or he'll try to. I can't believe that a sane Congress - even a Republican-controlled one - wouldn't push back on such an aggressive, ill-advised economic policy. Someone would take up the mantle of the McCain thumbs-down. Wouldn't they?)

And I could go on about immigration policy, LGBTQ protections, blowing up the national debt, and the like. But I won't - not today. The title promises some positive things about the 2nd Trump presidency, and I'm going to deliver them. So here we go.

So first, there will be no return to the horror-movie stylings of the Melania Trump Christmas decorations. Mark my words, Ms. Thang is not coming back to the White House. She's not going to play First Lady. She successfully cashed in on Trump's first term, but I'm positive the contract she signed won't extend to the second. That means she'll keep her manicured claws off the Rose Garden, too.

I still have nightmares about these things
sprouting feet and roaming the West Wing
at night.

The Trump Kidz will be blissfully absent, too. The Kushners - Ivanka and Fish Lips - have basically built a moat around their castle and pulled up the drawbridge. Barron is all grown up, and while the jury is still out on how much parasite DNA he inherited, the fact is he's going to be a college student for basically the entirety of Trump's term. Eric is stuck running what's left of the family business with a "Kick Me, Daddy" sign permanently tattooed on his back. Tiffany is still trying to decide whether she wants to be a Trump or a real person. And Don, Jr? I actually don't mind if he sticks around in the public eye, because at least he's entertaining, in a "what if we raised a feral hog on nothing but caffeine and Pixy Stix" kind of way.

Then there's the Don and Elon Show. A lot of people are nervous that Trump is going to place Elon Musk in close proximity to the seat of government, where he'll try to wield power while making pew-pew noises and doing those weird little jumping-jacks he does. And he will. But here's what Trump doesn't understand about Elon. Elon is very good at surrounding himself with talented people who create things he can then take credit for. For which he can then take credit. Whatever. But I don't think it goes both ways. Elon isn't the kind of guy who surrounds others. He and Trump are going to spend a lot of time staring at each other across the Resolute Desk, each waiting for the other to do something that will make him look brilliant. I think their working relationship is going to collapse quickly, and in hilarious fashion.

Look, Daddy, look at me fly!

Of course, there are other, more sobering things to think about. I am worried about the people of Ukraine. They've done an incredible job of fighting for their freedom and autonomy, but let's face it, they need the continued support of the United States, and and Vlad Putin spent a ton of money to reinstall his puppet Donald, who will try his best to leave the Ukrainians to fend for themselves. On the other hand, Putin and Co. hasn't been doing great of late. Lately Russia has been compelled to import soldiers from fellow wasteland North Korea, and those soldiers have made an instant impact by becoming addicted to porn. This is a real story, and even if it turns out to be less than 100% true, it's certainly a lovely way to usher in the Trump administration. 

It's hard, but let's try to think positive thoughts about the next four years. Who knows, if we're all good, we may get an updated version of this (RIP, Liz):