Saturday, March 20, 2021

Sex, Politics, and Maybe a Frog

 The other day Drummer Boy and I were messaging back and forth about using R2-D2 as a vibrator.

No, really, we were. By the way, you do NOT want to do an image search for "R2-D2 vibrator" unless you're fully psychologically prepared for what shows up and also not on a work computer.

This is the most wholesome result I could find.

This is not a post about vibrators, android-shaped or otherwise.

Anyway, at one point DB made a joke about buying one second-hand (this is the last vibrator reference in this entire post, I swear), and I responded, "I'll just have to find a means of pleasure elsewhere."

My phone's auto-complete, however, suggested "means of production."

Communist memes are the best memes.

Hilarious. Of course, that got me thinking about how sexual and political philosophy so often are interchangeable. That is literally how my brain works, folks. But really, sex and politics do seem to be primal forces that collectively rule the intelligent apes that currently rule this planet. As the Great Grifter himself, Ronald Reagan, once quipped:

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

*stage whisper* He's talking about prostitution, you guys.

As a talking point it beats Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No to Drugs" nonsense all to hell.

It did make me give up pencils for good, though.

I guess the idea is that sex sells, whether the product is soft drinks or complex sociopolitical theory. Sex is a metaphor that works. Why else would Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. say this?

Democracy is messy, and it's hard.
Be honest: Does this sound like the representative form of government envisioned by the Founding Fathers, or like Bobby Jr. was being a chip off the randy old Kennedy block?

Going back to old Karl Marx, communism is a goldmine for political innuendo. The very phrase underpinning the principles of the socialist state sums up dating and relationships nicely:

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs

The things we do to avoid growing old alone, amiright? Just kidding: Don't settle, you guys. There's a  perfect Communist out there for everyone. Or am I just mixing metaphors into a toxic sludge?

Sex, toxic sludge, and frogs.
There, I've hit the trifecta.

If you want to be even more cynical about sex and politics, surely political columnist Bill Vaughn wasn't really comparing the vice-presidency to cookies when he said:

The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.

He could have been talking about any meat-market bar or club on a Saturday night (pre-Covid, anyway). He also could have been talking about me waiting to get picked for dodgeball in my elementary school gym class, but that's another philosophical discussion.

In searching for quotations to fit this theme, it's possible that I stretched the boundaries of proper English to make them fit. Like this one from famed defender of freedom (and 1945 upside-down hanging champion) Benito Mussolini:

Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy.

I suspect this better illustrates my point when spoken aloud. Because "fallacy" sounds a lot like, well, "phallus-y." Democracy is a dick, basically. Look, I'm trying to push out content here. They can't all be gems.

Moving along, the late, great Molly Ivins once wrote this: is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.

She was talking about democracy, but let's face it: If you've ever been married, you are totally forgiven for thinking it referred to your personal experience.

And here the even later and greater Socrates could have been talking about spouses OR the kind of untenable monarchal rule that inevitably leads to revolution:

If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I mean...he could, right?

OK, then, I'll end this somewhat tortured comparison with a last, admittedly cynical quote. This one is from English chanteuse Marianne Faithfull, who was definitely talking about sex but, let's face it, described every political philosopher from Voltaire to Bob Dylan:

Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.

Right on. Never stop thinking, Drunkards. Also never stop fucking. Most of all, never stop voting.

And don't ever Google "android vibrators" on a work computer.

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