Saturday, January 16, 2021

My Fave Twitter Accounts from Non-Crybaby Losers

The internet got a little duller when President Trump was booted off Twitter. Or as I like to call him, soon-to-be-ex-thank-all-the-stars-and-planets-even-little-Pluto President Trump Poopyhead Esquire. I’m all about dignified political discourse, you guys.

Your obedient servant, A.Ham.

Anyway. I never followed the man on Twitter. There was no need. Whenever he fat-fingered some brain-damaged nonsense into the Twittersphere, I invariably saw the responses, retweets, and I Love Lucy reaction gifs from people I do follow within approximately a nanosecond. 

And I did have a guilty habit of checking his blighted feed daily. He was always near the top of my search list, so it was easy to keep tabs on his poorly written proclamations and badly produced propaganda videos, yet by doing so I contributed nothing to his follower count. To this day I don’t understand why more people didn’t do likewise.

I frequently responded to his tweets - to him directly (or, more accurately, to Dan Scavino, the lackey who actually gets paid to type out the swill Trump dictates as it flows unimpeded from drug-addled brain to tiny butthole mouth), and to the myriad trolls, bots, and deeply deluded acolytes who invariably amplified his lies and stroked his flaccid, er, ego. Guys, if you don’t frequent Twitter, you should know this: I’m not always nice on Twitter. I don’t post cute memes or report on what Precocious Daughter is up to or share pictures of monkeys wearing clothes.

I'm a fool for the singerie.

Twitter Chuck is Chuck unfiltered. You can find me at @DrunkBaudelaire if you want to know, or ignore me if you want to preserve the image of me as a little ol' dirtbag blogger with not much to say.

Unfortunately, Twitter does make me angry sometimes. Ask the poor Siamese Kitten, who often gets aggressively skritched as I scroll through utter bollocks from QAnon idiots, alt-right assholes, Constitutional illiterates, and Ted Cruz. I think the Siamese Kitten forgives me my frustrated petting, likely because she expects one day to eat my face when I die alone.

This is what is known as
a mutually beneficial relationship.

But that's not what this post is about. It's not about calling the soon-to-be-ex-etc. POTUS a bloated Nazi, or pointing out that Kim Guilfoyle looks like she can and regularly does put Don Jr.'s entire head in her mouth as a show of dominance, or asking Tom Fitton why for the love of God he can't pay a personal shopper to buy him a shirt that fits when he shows up on Fox News to say crazy things.

No, this post is about the Twitter accounts that actually don't make my eyes hurt and my blood simmer.

This is a shout-out to the people and aliases whose opinions, humor, and outlook on life I unironically love and respect. It's hard to do anything unironically on Twitter, you guys. On a platform where people guilelesssly post "succeed" when they mean "secede," or castigate black athletes for disrespecting the American flag while cheering on insurrectionists who literally beat law enforcement officers with a pole carrying the same flag, a healthy sense of irony is all that stands between me and a straitjacket emblazoned with "I Really Don't Care Do U?"

Apparently this means "complicit" in Slovenian.

 But let's forget all that for a moment. Here are a half-dozen Twitter accounts that make me smile on the regular. That's a very big deal. They may also educate and elucidate, and that's just icing on the social-media cake. But mostly, they're what I dare to call kindred spirits on the journey to all the better tomorrows I hope to see. I want to say thanks and give a virtual fist-bump to them all. Please give them some love if you see them in Twitterville.

In no particular order:

Daniel Dale @ddale8
Daniel is the king of the fact-checkers. A Canadian journalist whose tweets CNN quoted so often they finally hired him. So thorough, it's exhausting to read his work sometimes. He also features his adorable Pomeranian Breezy on a regular basis. Latest tweet:

Devin Nunes' cow @devincow
Devin Nunes is a Republican Congressman who is both unethical and not particularly bright. He likes to sue people for reasons that can only be described as baffling. One time he sued a Twitter account that facetiously claimed to belong to a cow on his family's dairy farm. That account, Devin Nunes' cow, is a sharp, witty, accurate source of information on all kinds of government shenanigans, not just Rep. Nunes'. Cow is badass. I like Cow. Latest tweet:

Phil Sledge @Phil_Sledge
Not all my favorite Twitter feeds are political, or from well-known people (or bovines). Phil is a British gentleman who loves dogs, particularly Basset hounds, which immediately endeared him to me. His videos and captions are always good for a smile. Latest tweet:

Men Write Women @menwritewomen
The fact that many male writers - from hacks to bestselling authors - are unable to create female characters who function outside the sphere of their own social and sexual biases is both hilarious and infuriating. This account presents ample (like boobies, get it?) evidence of the phenomenon. It also regularly promotes smart and inclusive writing along with the snark. The tweet that started it all:

Random Snake Facts @random_snakes
One of my newest favorites. This account serves up two of my favorite things: Political snark and pretty sneks. They regularly highlight examples of ignorance and ineptitude that need to be "snaked TF out" and then oblige with gorgeous pictures of, and facts about, snakes from around the world. Highly recommended. Latest tweet:

Becky Holmes hates spinach @deathtospinach
Becky has a singular talent for attracting DMs from men who are both mentally and physically, shall we say, under-endowed. Rather than merely being disgusted by unwanted dick pics, she responds to her online suitors with hilarious results. Even though Becky artfully censors the wee willies, this is definitely a NSFW account. And she's working on a book! Recent tweet:

This barely scratches the surface of accounts that make swimming into the Twitter cesspool worthwhile. If this post gets any traction, I may post a sequel. In the meantime, thanks to all these fine folks. Love you mwah mwah mwah.

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