Sunday, October 2, 2016

The Donald and I Meet Again

About a year ago I posted a transcript from Donald Trump's rally in Dallas. Which was totally authentic and represented exactly what he said to the crowd that day.

In that he spoke English words, including some of the ones
I attributed to him, in some order.
Well, I've done it again.

This time I got a sit-down, face-to-face meeting with the Donald. Initially, I was standing with my back to him, but he kept making comments about my butt, so I insisted on sitting down and facing him. He had a list of topics that he said were off-limits:

His tax returns
His children
His debate performance
His bankruptcies
The economy
Civil rights
Gun control
Trump University
Guinea pigs

Those last two were hard to concede, but oh well. In the end, Trump agreed to a spirited round of word association, presumably because nobody can fact-check the bizarre contours of his mental pathways, and also because he didn't have to use complete sentences. ("I'm a very, very busy. So much. The time, where? Sentences. Who? No good," were his exact words.)

So here is another exclusive transcript from the tongue of the mouth of the brain of the skull of the Donald.

Note: Comments have been edited to remove sniffles.

Chuck Baudelaire: Hello, Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: Get out of my sight.

CB: I'm sorry, what?
DT: Have we not started? I thought that was the first - you know, that's my, what I say when someone says "Hello, Mr. Trump." My association. It's OK, it's OK. Start again. It's great. It's great.

CB: Well, thank you for agreeing to this exercise in word association.
DT: You know, I love words. Words are so, so powerful. They're unbelievably powerful. You look at people, and words, and Hillary Clinton has no words - her words are, they're nothing. Nothing compared to my words, or Ronald Reagan's words, or - Ronald Reagan, great, great man. He used many words.
(Edited to remove 12 minutes of rambling speech about eating an elk burger with Nancy Reagan just before 9/11.)

CB: Let's begin, Mr. Trump.
DT: You know, I just want to say, the butt comments were meant to be a compliment. I just - that's what I meant, a compliment. I saw your butt, and I was inspired to say what I said, and I did, and that's all. Yeah?

CB: Right. Anyway, let's begin. The first word is "rug."
DT: Rosie O'Donnell is a rug-munching fat lesbian, and I'm only saying it because it's the truth, and everyone knows it.

CB: Football.
DT: I love football. Of course. Colin Kaepernick, he should be shot, probably, or maybe suspended. My investigators are looking into it.

CB: Literacy.
DT: Frankly, I've made a lot of money off people who can't read or write. A lot of money, a lot of opportunity there. Tremendous people, the illiterate.

CB: Romance.
DT: I'm a very romantic guy. Very romantic. The best. Ask any of the broads I've fucked, and they'll tell you, Donald Trump knows romance. Ask my daughters, anybody.

CB: Travel.
DT: First class. All the way. Anyone who starts from nothing and works hard - like I did, with nothing, barely a seven-figure line of credit co-signed by my dad, who was a great guy, great, great guy. Very inspiring. Now I have a jet, two jets, four jets, whatever. Nothing beats travel. Hands down.

CB: Fish.
DT: He shoulda never left "Barney Miller." Great, great show, "Barney Miller." Then you got this show, this "Fish," with the wife and all the kids. And one of them is a black kid, and the fat kid, he's Chicano or Latin or whatever. No good. I said so, no good, but maybe, I don't know. Canceled after one season, less than one season. A shame.

CB: Independence.
DT: In this country, this great, terrific country - best in the world, America is the greatest country that ever was in this world, even countries that wish us a horrible death say so - you know, independence, mark my words, it's what everybody in the world wishes they had. We have it, we have it in America, anyone who wants it has it. And whether you're the little guy or the big guy, the guy who has it all, like myself, some would say. We all have it. And if you don't have it, don't blame America. Other countries wish they were America, believe me. Go live in someplace like Haiti. You'll see. They had a terrible earthquake. Sad, sad place. Wonderful people. So...independence. Mark my words.

CB: Cats.
DT: People say I have eaten cats. That is wrong. That is wrong. Wrong.

CB: Wait, what? Who said you ate -
DT: The mainstream media, they make up these stories, these false, misleading stories about Donald Trump eating cats, sometimes two, three at a time. I don't know where this garbage gets started.

CB:  Do you eat cats, Mr. Trump?
DT: I have been known to eat a cat on occasion. Like so many hard-working Americans. I'm willing to admit it. What about Crooked Hillary? Why won't she come forward and say, I've eaten cats. I have eaten cats. Sad.

CB: Maybe we should wrap this up. One more word for you, Mr. Trump: Presidential.
DT: I am Presidential af. Many, many people say so. There are women who maybe don't agree. They are major, major cunts. But I will be the President for all the people, even kikes, militant feminazis, the Jews, and the blacks. Thank you. Kiss my ass, America.

*Chuck rips off her microphone, stomps to her dressing room, and drinks 32 shots of vodka*


  1. I might as well say it because we're all thinking it: anyone who knows Abe Vigoda's spinoff sitcom was cancelled after less than a season deserves to be president.

  2. Chuck, that was yooge! Also, bigly.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.