Wednesday, June 22, 2016

i'm baaaack

shhhh, you guys...

don't tell chuck...

tabby here.

didja miss me?

i'll bet she told you i was dead, didn't she? i'll bet she made up some ridiculous story about how i was eaten by wild pigs.

that is exactly what she would do. bitch.

all right, look, i've been doing some traveling, ok? so i haven't time to work on chuck's stupid little blog. probably she's been interviewing my replacement while i've been gone. but dig this: she never changed the password on her blogger account. and i'm totally still on here as an admin.

so it's time for some truth bombs courtesy of tabitha roxanne renee louise brown.

numero uno: chuck baudelaire doesn't decide whether or not i'm her admin. i like it here, and i'll stay on as long as i wish. i like this gig. and several sovereign nations will send, like, top-secret covert assassins against her ass if i smile at their leaders and say pretty-please.

why yes, that is the way the world works.

numero duo: the world needs me. have you been following the brexit movement? you know, the referendum on whether britain should take its happy ass out of the european union or stay put? who do you think took david cameron aside and pointed out that in america, donald trump has basically already declared himself the next president, and that he did it by appealing to the dumbest, angriest, most sheeplike people our great nation has to offer? davey took my meaning, and now he's channeling his inner trump to bring out england's inner redneck asshole. i did that. (btw, cameron is no putin in the sack, just saying)

numbero threeyo: you guys miss me. don't lie. can you stand living the rest of your life without another "tabitha takes on" post? i haven't yet taken on the zika virus, the harriet tubman $20 bill, or trump. and i have hella lowdown on the donald's hair. i haven't talked about chuck's stupid divorce finally being final, either.

numbero iv: deep down, chuck really loves me. and if i have to reach down her throat and search around in her guts to find that love and pull it out of her, i will. it'll be fun. i'll post pictures, lol.

anyway, bottom line is, tabby's back. now fuck off, i've got a lot to do around here. this place is a mess.


  1. Did you also look around inside the wild boar's guts to see if it loved you, and is that why it puked you out, Tab?

  2. I'm guessing those "top-secret covert assassins" are just Skinny Pete and Badger in the bushes holding a couple of laser pointers.
    Yes, Tabitha, I'm dropping a Breaking Bad reference and risking your wrath because I think you're bluffing. And I'm not all that tuned in to pop culture.
    And I don't think your Good Person of Szechuan schtick is all that good. I think you're responsible for the place being a mess.
    Yeah, I'm dropping a Bertolt Brecht reference.


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