Join the Purple Party

Probably you've all been waiting with bated breath to hear whom I'm endorsing in this year's Presidential election.

Probably, right?

I'll take that as a yes.

Drunkards, it's no secret that this year's crop of candidates is not exactly of the bumper variety. You've got the racist, sexist billionaire; the Jewish Socialist; and the woman who will pursue any government position so long as it keeps her away from her husband.

"You're fired." "I'm tired." "Bill, get your goddamned hand off my knee."

I can't wholeheartedly support any of these candidates. If only we could graft together the best parts of each of them into one highly effective Frankenpol. You know, take Clinton's breadth of experience, Sanders' compassion and idealism, and Trump's, um, Trump's...I'll bet he's got some really nice socks. Yes, we'll add Trump's socks to the mix.

What this country needs is a good $78.00 pair of socks.

But we can't do that. We can't just carve up the candidates and splice together their best bits. According to some fancy-pants medical board, that's unethical. As if America ever let a thing like ethics stand between it and world domination. Feh.

So I got to thinking: If the Republicans and the Democrats can't produce a healthy crop of Presidential contenders, why don't we look to an actual crop? Why don't we look to produce to produce a strong candidate? (See what I did there? Aaaah?)

Therefore, in the name of America's fruited plain, I'm proud to announce that my endorsement for the next President and Vice-President of the United States goes to:

Turnip and Rutabaga are a winning ticket. They epitomize what American have always aspired to be throughout our nation's great history: They're hardy, wholesome, simple, and pure. Furthermore, they're everything we could ask for in our politicians, namely, bland and easily kept in the dark.

Shown here: The newly designed Presidential bunker.

This is a well balanced ticket. Turnip is the softer, more tender candidate, while Rutabaga has a tougher exterior and can often be seen stewing. They both back green initiatives, particularly boiled and salted. And they have extensive international experience, having taken a prominent place at state dinners around the world.

While some may argue that they're an acquired taste, there's no doubt that Turnip and Rutabaga are good for America. They have the fiber, the starch, and the trace minerals we the people need to thrive.

So join me, won't you, in considering Turnip and Rutabaga in 2016. They'll get to the root of our problems, I promise.

Chew on that, America.