Tuesday, April 26, 2016

America, Random Sex Toy Edition

This happened last night.

I picked up Precocious Daughter from school, and we drove home. Walking from the parking garage to our apartment, I spotted something in the hallway several feet away. When we got close to it, we saw this.

My cell phone takes pretty crappy pictures, so let me explain. This is a red, white, and blue lei on top of a pair of apparently genuine handcuffs. Just a-sittin' there in the hallway.

And of course I took a picture of it, because when you live in some frankly fairly swanky apartments and  a lei and a set of handcuffs randomly appear in the hallway, that's what you're gonna do.

But that's not all. About 20 steps farther on, we came upon this.

And my cell phone takes really crappy pictures, so let me explain that this is a pair of lime green fuzzy bunny ears. Also just chilling in the corridor leading to my apartment as if that is what one does when one is a pair of lime green fuzzy bunny ears.

Next to the bunny ears was a sort of wet spot, which PDaughter and I frankly refused to contemplate as we made our way to our apartment (and immediately locked the door behind us).

So there are probably a million reasonable explanations for the appearance of these unusual items in the hallway of my apartment building, right?

The most reasonable being that someone had recently enjoyed a very patriotic and festive sex party on my floor.

Or that the significant other of someone had walked in on said orgy and thrown their party favors into the hallway in a rather dramatic show of disapproval of such shenanigans.

But I have another theory.

I'd like to think that somewhere in my apartment complex is a person (I'm picturing someone who resembles Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, only with self-esteem issues) who possessed a rather large and eclectic collection of erotic aids for the enjoyment of his particular social circle.

But yesterday he got out of bed and thought, "You know what? Donald Trump is right. We need to Make America Great Again! And we need to start by not having wild sex parties featuring provocative naughty props, which might for all we know attract undocumented transgender abortionist welfare mothers. God Bless America, Amen!"

And I'd like to think that this true American then gathered up an enormous armload of handcuffs, leis, bunny ears, fleshlights, edible undies, and whatever else he had lying around to throw down the trash chute of righteousness into the compactor of true patriotism.

But of course, under the weight of dozens of ropes and ball gags and copies of the Dallas Observer, he inevitably dropped a few items as he made his way down the hall. And rather than give special attention to those few things, he pressed on, because America is not a nation that caters to the one percent.

And he righteously dumped his load of hedonistic pleasures into the trash, feeling - very Americanly - that getting rid of part of the problem was very much the same as getting rid of all of the problem, as long as you pretended the rest of the problem didn't exist. He bet that Bill Clinton felt the same way when he all but abolished welfare in the 1990s.

Anway, this American hero dropped a lei, a set of handcuffs, and a pair of fuzzy bunny ears along the way, and I took pictures of them.

If PDaughter hadn't been there, I totally would have snagged the handcuffs and stashed them away for future possibilities. Just saying.

Making America Great Again starts with exercising our rights. Remember that the next time someone wants to play The Easter Bunny Does Bondage in Hawaii.

God Bless America.


  1. My money is on this theory. Someone was gathering props for the oh so popular photo booths seen at every party. They had a half-drunk bottle of water at the bottom of the prop box and it sprung a leak. The box broke, spilling contents and water in your hallway.

  2. What's a lei? A corsage?

    In the British comedy series Allo Allo there's a recurrent trope of the French resistance using a couple of barmaids/hookers to keep the German officers busy. The officers can be distracted from anything they plan by being promised "the fly whisk and the flying helmet". Nobody ever managed to explain just how they were used, though.

  3. It's a bit frightening that my first thought was also that this was a response to Trump, but rather than assuming it was someone disposing of the incriminating evidence I assumed this was a deliberate, almost Dadaist act. Trump encourages America's worst aspects--xenophobia, racism, and arrogance. This person is attempting to sow fear and confusion in much subtler, funnier ways.
    I think I prefer your theory, though.
    And it's a good thing you didn't pick up the handcuffs. I don't see any keys and the last thing you want to do is to be stuck in some embarrassing position without a way out.
    Also never forget your safe word.

  4. That seems weird and picture-worthy? Really? Maybe in Texas. Here in my hometown not so much. It's a bit like when you overhear just a snippet of conversation. A few weeks ago while walking in the park, 2 cyclist went past me and I overheard one say to his companion, "Fucking illuminati!" I spent the rest of my walk puzzling about how someone could get so worked about a fictitious group. It's fun though.


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