Monday, December 14, 2015

I'll Take $300 Handbag for the Win, Alex, DUH

So I got myself a Kate Spade purse today.

It's identical to this one currently being sold on eBay.
Totally too lazy to take a picture of the actual item.
If you think I skipped over to the Galleria and bought an expensive designer handbag from Nordstrom just for the hell of it, you're forgetting that I'm the lady who didn't own a washer-dryer until two weeks ago. Who didn't own a freaking sofa until two days ago. Who is trying to share the cost of doggy-bladder-stone surgery with her ex.

(By the way...Darling Dog is doing so much better. We were afraid we might lose him, because his recovery had several major setbacks. But I saw him today, and he's very nearly back to his old self. Also, he did us the favor of removing his own sutures because his daddy forgot to put the Cone of Shame on him when he went to work...fortunately, he was only a day away from having the vet take them out, so it's all good. Thank you guys for all of your support and good thoughts. I'm so happy he's OK.)

Believe me, I didn't lose my mind and drop several hundreds of dollars on a bloody purse two weeks before Christmas. Still, I got a Kate Spade purse today, and it's because of my tendency to procrastinate terribly.

You see, Precocious Daughter turned 16 a few weeks ago. Her boyfriend bought her a cake. So sweet. She ate several pieces, and I had none because I don't eat sweets. But there was no way one 100-pound child was going to put away an entire birthday cake. And so it's been sitting in the fridge. And every time I went in the fridge I said, "Welp, it's about time to get rid of this cake." Every time. Without ever actually getting rid of the cake. Because I procrastinate.

So today Drummer Boy came over to watch the Cowboys game (which I very emphatically DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT), and when we went to the fridge to get beverages, I realized that I must seem a complete loser for having an old, stale birthday cake hanging out there. So I pulled it out, put it in a trash bag, and said I would take it out to the trash when I walked him out later in the evening.

How trash works in my apartment building:

There is a trash chute in the hallway. It goes down to a trash compactor on the ground floor, where the collected bags of refuse are compacted and taken away. Very cool. The trash chute lives in a little room, more like a small closet. So if you have cardboard boxes and things that won't fit down the chute, you can leave them in the closet, and maintenance will take them away.

This setup tells you a lot about your neighbors. You know who just bought a new vacuum cleaner, or a Keurig. Who shops at IKEA. Who buys wine by the case. Also, who is a lazy asshole who can't be bothered to put their trash bags down the chute but just leaves them in the closet.

Because apparently even the priciest apartments in town attract classless douchebags.

In any event, about an hour ago I walked Drummer Boy to the parking garage, because it's right next to the trash chute and I needed him to know I was disposing of the goddamn old cake. Which I did.

But then my eye strayed to a stack of cardboard boxes next to the chute. And sitting atop the boxes, minding its own business, was a brown Kate Spade handbag.

What WHAT?

OK, I thought. OK, the owner of this pricey designer bag used it until it was absolutely worn out. But no. It had minimal wear - certainly much less than the purse I currently carry every day. There is a lipstick stain on the inside lining. But we all have lipstick stains in the lining of our purse, right? Lipstick stains happen. Because lipstick.

Anyway, I gave this purse a once-over and determined that it still has tons of life.

It's mine now.

Dear person who left a perfectly good Kate Spade purse in the freaking garbage:

Thank you. I'm going to pretend your intention was to give a perfectly serviceable designer handbag to a hard-working yet chronically poor single mom living in your apartments. Any other interpretation makes you seem to be a real bitch, So I'm sticking with the generous, philanthropic version of events. Thanks, and Merry Christmas.

Whatever, I'm rocking a Kate Spade handbag. Woo-hoo!


  1. I'm not a purse type of girl, but I know how coveted that is by those who are- good score!

  2. I assume the purse was empty. Otherwise one of your neighbors is frantically trying to find her purse. No, that's too terrible to contemplate. Clearly someone didn't want that purse but wanted it to have a good home.
    Also I'm impressed that you threw away the remainder of the cake instead of trying to pass it off as from the original cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937.
    Sorry, couldn't resist the Seinfeld reference.

  3. SO... is it all that? I am a purse connoisseur myself, but also a cheapskate. Does it have multiple sections, zippered pockets, a place for your phone that is easily accessible but won't let the phone fall out into the black hole of the center section? Inquiring minds want to know.

    1. You've hit on it: Beautiful and well-made as it is, it lacks that all-important phone pocket. We should drop Ms. Spade a note and gently remind her that it's the 21st century, and our purse-purchasing/scavenging decisions are guided by things like this.


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