Monday, October 12, 2015

Here I Was, Feeling Good. What an Idiot.

I'm not used to being single.

My silhouette totally is not ready for its
sundown-on-the-beach close-up.

I am in fact laughably bad at it.

Case in point: There's a entirely different English language for single people.

It involves a megaphone and not having a face?

I thought the phrase "Let's hang out tonight" meant that, in broad terms, one of us would travel to the other's home in order to complete the social ritual known as "hanging out."

Laugh if you want. I'm completely new to this. I had no idea it meant...

Well, fuck, I don't know what it means, but it certainly doesn't mean that one of us would travel to the other's home in order to compete the social ritual known as "hanging out."

Sorry, Timon, I lack your worldliness.

Instead - apparently - it means "I'll message you later and tell you what I did instead of spending the evening hanging out with you." 

That makes sense. I remember that from my brief pre-marriage history of dating, actually. That was something my asshole not-boyfriend-material male prospects used to tell me. I totally recall that now.

It's been a while, is all.

OMG, I had no idea this blog was about to turn into an "adventures in not knowing how the fuck to date" thing. I guess you're in luck...?

Well, OK. Get ready to laugh as yours truly tries to embark upon an adult relationship in her 40s and pretty much gets every goddam thing wrong.

If it gets hits, I'm totally willing to go there.

Always willing to take a curveball for the sake of eyes on the page, I am.

Also...advice on being a grown-ass woman splashing in the emotionally retarded dating pool is completely welcome.

I feel I've already fucked it up.

Guidance welcome.

Thanks, Drunkards. You guys rock.


  1. Well, at least you can't literally, you know, hang out. Not unless you have a (deliberate) wardrobe malfunction.

    Look on the bright side, yo.

  2. Don't worry. You've got Bill and I to give you tips on relationships.

    (Actually, you should be very, very worried about that prospect. Do the opposite of anything we say, probably.)

    1. Bill and me. NOT Bill and I.

      Sorry, that was going to bother me all day...

    2. You got it. She should be terrified.

  3. Anyone who thinks "hang out" means "I'll message you later and tell you what I did instead of spending the evening hanging out with you" needs to get off my lawn.
    I try to avoid the "what the hell's wrong with kids these days?" attitude that has even begun to plague my generation, but WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS?
    Granted I don't think there are any kids among your dating prospects but I feel like you've jumped into some very weird dating pool that's all shallow end.

  4. dating pro tips:

    If his profile pic shows him happily playing with a baby or a kitten ... swipe left. It's a diversionary tactic to trick you into thinking he's sensitive. Neither the baby, nor the kitten is his.

    If in his profile pic, he's wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat. Swipe left. HARD.

    If his profile says he's a hedge fund manager, swipe left. It's a lie. Same goes for if he says he's not really interested in casual sex.

    If his profile says, "I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away," it's Ben Carson ... Swipe Left, SWIPE LEFT!


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