Thursday, August 6, 2015

A Message from One of the Republican Mass Debaters

Statement from the faux-wood-paneled office of Dick Perry for President headquarters/mobile home:

Is this thing on?

What? Written down?

I knew that.

My fellow Texans, Americans, people of color, and womenfolk:

Praise Jesus, I'm proud to be taking part in the first Republican debate of the 2016 Presidential campaign. There are many people vying for the Republican nomination. Many, many people. So many people that some are even women and Black African Americans. Wow.

I'm proud to live in a country where so many different voices are allowed to say exactly the same thing, only some a little louder or, you know, crazier. Although all of the Republican candidates are different, we all share one common, core belief, and that is: My hair is far and away the best in the field.

No offense to Poodle Head, Mop Man, Teddy the Brylcreem Addict, or any other of my esteemed contemporaries. But we all know it. Praise Jesus.

Now, you may have heard that because of the large number of folks champing at the bit to become the next Republican leader of the free world, there are actually going to be two debates tonight. I have graciously agreed to be the top candidate in one of them, otherwise known as "the better one." I will be leading the conversation of six worthy adversaries, great patriots and wonderful people, all of them.

Like, um, that chick who's running. And the little nut-brown man from Louisiana. The dude who blew up his cell phone. And the rest.

In order to make the debates as fair and balanced as possible, I'm not going to make Mr. Trump, Mr. Bush, Gov. Walker, or the black guy go up against me this time. My advantage in the orating and argumentarianism department is so obvious that I don't want to stifle their voices at this tender young stage of the campaign. They can have a nice little discussion amongst themselves after I'm done outlining my plan for taking America into the next millennium and beyond in 2016.

I'm a different candidate from the Dick Perry you saw in 2012. I have glasses now. I wear normal shoes. And this time, I'm under indictment. So you can see, I've evolved. Not that I believe in evolution. Praise Jesus.

As our State of Texas-approved history textbooks tell us, America has always been a country where white Christian men have done right by everybody else. Help me continue that proud tradition. I'll see you at the debate tonight.

Well, I won't actually see you. Unless you're sitting in the room. Even then, the lights will be probably be pretty bright in my eyes, so, um.

We can edit that last part out, right?

Praise Jesus.


  1. He does have the best hair. Because I mostly get my news through articles and not from TV, I was a bit concerned back in 2012 over just how PRESIDENTIAL he looked.

    Then I heard him speak.

    It's kind of weird that I never knew how dumb he sounded, since he'd been governor of my state for more than a decade at the time.

    But the fact is, most of our elected state officials here keep a low profile unless they are under indictment. Which is often, I guess.

  2. "Black African Americans" - I wouldn't laugh about that if I were you. Why should "African" be restricted to black people? What about Arab Africans, Berber Africans, Khoi Bushmen Africans or Tuareg Africans, eh?

  3. I've got to say he's really rocking those "smart guy who wouldn't forget that third thing in the middle of a debate" glasses, and by "rocking" of course I mean "just wearing". They remind me of Aunt Polly's glasses from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: "built for 'style', not service—she could have seen through a pair of stove-lids just as well."


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