Friday, July 24, 2015

Tabitha Takes on: Schadenfreude

Hey, guys and dolls. Tabitha here.

'sup, y'all?
I know, it's been a while, considering that I'm supposed to be the fucking page admin for this stupid blog and all.

Truth is, I've been in Yemen, trying to overthrow the corrupt government from within.

Or maybe I've been in Ukraine, infiltrating Putin's spy network.

Or maybe, like, I've just been sunning myself in Ibiza, because screw all that shit lol.

The point is, I'm here now. So hi.

Or maybe I'm in Cuba, blowing my way to peace with the former Commies.
You just don't know.
Here's the thing: I'm filling in for Chuck tonight because she's having a massive anxiety attack.

How freaking hilarious is that?

See, Chuck is in a really, like, precarious place emotionally right now. She's all getting divorced and selling her house and having to provide for her kid and whatnot BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Bored, frankly.
Apparently she's massively afraid that her house won't sell, or that it won't sell quickly, or she won't get what she wants to get for it, or some damn thing. She explained it all to me, but I tuned her out after, like, 30 seconds, because BORING, right?

Does she not know that Patti Smith is performing at
PaleoFest this weekend?!
Anyway, just so we're clear: I'm thrilled that Chuck Dipshit Baudelaire is paralyzed with goddamn fear right now. Freaking uptight bitch deserves that kind of emotional upheaval. I've tried so damn hard to drag her into the light of being ethereal light fabulosity, like me, but to no avail.

Eventually you have to realize some people don't want to follow in the path of righteous on point greatness.

Seriously, I can't save the goddamn world.
My life is foshizzle greatness right now. Chuck's life - I mean, what the hell, she's a grown-ass bitch, right? If she can't make the winner's scene, then fuck her, you know? I tried, people. I really did.

Anyway, she's like curled in a ball right now, trying to figure out what to do. I'm writing her blog for her. Elsewhere, powerful people are not giving a shit about losers like her.

That's how it goes.

I'm out. I'm going back to Yemen, or Ibiza, or Cuba. You don't need to know.

If you feel the need to pick up Chuck's pathetic pieces, come back tomorrow.

Pffft. Life. It's pathetic. You know?

Peace out, people.



  1. I can relate. I generally have to get pulled into change kicking and screaming. And it's even tougher now that kids who I am responsible for are involved in my decisions.

    But man, it's exciting once I get pushed over the edge. There's that moment where you are living without a net and you don't know how it's going to turn out or what your life is going to look like in two weeks and... I could use some of that from time to time.

    Good luck. Hope you enjoy the ride.

  2. What Katy said. You are crashing in to your next chapter Errol Flynn style! Buckle up!


  3. A couple of years ago, after 25 years of steady employment, I was suddenly downsized. Scared the shit out of me. Thanks to Obama's stimulus package/extended unemployment benefits (mwah!), I rode it out and ended up in a better place. (and found the Comics Curmudgeon, and by extension -- you). Change can be good -- in your case, it's going to be GREAT! Great kid, great apartment, no more albatross around your neck. All great.

  4. Hey Tab.

    If you're going to be Pattismithing this blog, tell da Chuck to go Dancing Barefoot. She's headed for a spin anyway so could do with feeling like a heroine.

  5. I was away for a few days but thinking of here and thinking it was about time for Tabitha to take on something. Ask and ye shall receive.

    There's a lesson there somewhere.

    Admittedly I was thinking Tabitha should take on Pluto or the Dunkin' Donuts CEO who called a $15 hourly wage "outrageous" or something important like those toilet paper ads encouraging people to get rid of their underwear, but, hey, you can't get everything.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.