Friday, July 10, 2015

Split Decision, So To Speak

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this here, but my pinky toenails are cloven.

Yeah, not going to post a picture of that.

But, you know, cloven.
My feet are pretty gross in general. Not proud of that, but it's simple fact. They're what Precocious Daughter calls "crusty." And they smell bad. I have stinky feet, yo.

Deal with it.

But the most distinctive feature of my feets is that the pinky toes have nails that are split vertically from tip to base. Like a goat, or a pig. Jews are Biblically required to shun me, you guys.

I'm really nice once you get to know me, though.
I don't know why. My mom has really gross fingernails, so maybe it's a hereditary thing. But otherwise, I have no idea why my pinky toenails are freaking cloven in twain.

I would like to hear from anyone out who suffers from toenails similarly split in half.

Or really from any physical anomaly that is specifically called out as sinful in the goddamn Bible.

This blog is a no-judgment zone. Feel free to tell me how you're freaky.

I think we'd all enjoy learning.



  1. Well, I am a hairy man, believe it or not. So I suppose Esau sold my birthright for a mess of pottage in advance.

  2. Being born with an undescended testicle isn't exactly freaky. Unusual, maybe. I had surgery to get it fixed when I was four and proudly showed off my scar to everyone. What this reminds me of is Lenny Bruce's story about how one of his aunts saw his tattoo and freaked out. "You can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery!" she cried. He said, "When I die they'll cut it off and bury it in a Gentile cemetery." He tried to tell that story on the Steve Allen show. The producer freaked out and said it was offensive to Gentiles because it said they didn't care what they buried in their cemeteries.

    I plan to be cremated, but I'd have no problem being buried next to Lenny Bruce's tattoo.


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