Monday, July 6, 2015

I Don't Know How to Feel Right Now

I feel as if I should post something tonight.

I'm working on some fiction, but it's not ready to be read.

I'd like to post part of my memoir, but...ditto.

I don't feel like being funny, or topical, or poetic.

So I'll just post this.

I had a strange, difficult lunch today.

At this lunch, I listened to my companion. I empathized. I tried my best to be supportive.

A few times, I attempted to add my own recent experience and perspective to the conversation. And was roundly ignored.

Eventually, I retreated into "nod and smile" mode, because I could tell I wasn't there to be a part of a dialogue, but merely an audience.

And I thought, OK, because God knows I've monopolized conversations before.

Still, in my imperfect memory I couldn't recall a time when I didn't at least say "Sorry, enough about me...how are you?"

I could be wrong.

And I probably owe my companion at least one lunch where I am solely a passive recipient of content.

Possibly my discomfort with being roundly ignored was because I've been indulged in the past as I unloaded my selfish concerns.

Which means I should remain silent and passive in the face of others' releases.

So I did.

Except it made me realize that perhaps I've been wrong to seize the narrative in prior conversations. Selfish. Needy.

So now I feel guilty, both that I've similarly hijacked conversations and that I feel resentful for having been hijacked.

And I don't know what to do now.

I have anger to be resolved, and loneliness to be dealt with.

Maybe I should abandon this companion as someone whose needs I can't fulfill at this or any other lunch?

Maybe I'm the one who should get over herself and be more empathetic to friends in need.

I don't know.

Advice?

6 comments:

  1. Or limit the number of lunches you have to something where there is not a lot of small talk. Maybe find something similar to dinner theater? It's hard to empathize with someone when you are still trying to sort out the goings on in your own life without feeling like you're burdening someone. Or have a lunch meeting or something a day or two prior do you can get out your frustrations and feelings, then focus solely on your friend.

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  2. I am (almost) convinced that in every relationship - maybe in every encounter - there's always a drama queen.

    A few years ago, after my break-up, I said to someone that I see so many people with crazed, drama queen spouses and I'm glad it hadn't been like that in my relationship. Then I thought about it and realized that it didn't look like it was because I was the drama queen in my relationship.

    I don't have any advice. Just regrets...

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  3. Ha. My best friend and I call this "...but back to me". We all have an off lunch hour or two. Just hang in there...

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  4. Listening is a great gift to give someone. And sharing your experiences is worthwhile even if she didn't seem to appreciate it at first. I think you are a good friend, and should give yourself a break!

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  5. Listening is a great gift to give someone. And sharing your experiences is worthwhile even if she didn't seem to appreciate it at first. I think you are a good friend, and should give yourself a break!

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  6. Maybe what you really need is a friend who won't just listen to you passively and then expect you to just listen passively. Friendships shouldn't be an obligation, and if the choices are sticking with someone who just makes you feel awful and being lonely it's better to be lonely, even if it is miserable.

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You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.