Friday, January 2, 2015

Ten Things

OK, so I stole this from something Bill the Butcher posted on Facebook. But I'm a firm believer in the "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" school of plagiarism inspiration.

Ask this chimp.

Anyway, Bill posted a list entitled "Ten Things I Can't Do (among many others)." Probably the "among many others" is the part I identified with most. Which which I most identified. Whatever.

But I like lists, and I certainly am always up for self-denigration. So I thought I'd post my own list of things I can't do. It goes without saying that 10 barely scratches the surface of what I'm no damn good at. But you gotta start somewhere, right?

I decided that I would apply the limitation that I couldn't use any entry that appeared on Bill's list, since we share a few. Fortunately, that's not a huge limitation. There are so many things I can't do, after all.

So here we go: Ten Things Chuck Baudelaire Can't Do.

1. Play video games well. (I get defeated and/or bored very quickly)

2. Control my temper. (I've been told by my daughter that flipping off scowling Latino men in hoodies after they cut me off in traffic is not a wise course of action. Hey, I'm still here. They must think I'm cute.)

3. Wear miniskirts. (I don't even try. You're welcome.)

4. Stop drinking. (That's not "can't" so much as "won't," but I know some people refuse to make that distinction. Those people have no imagination.)

5. Forgive those who have wronged me. (Abandoning Christianity has made holding grudges much easier.)

6. Knit. (Those of you who can, I am in absolute freaking awe of you.)

7. Watch movies set in the Marvel universe. (I saw the first Iron Man. I enjoyed it. I'm good stopping there, really.)

8. Understand people who think homosexuality is a sin. (This is not an original thought, but: IF YOU DON'T LIKE GAY MARRIAGE, THEN DON'T GET GAY MARRIED.)

9. Keep a clean house. (Pick two rooms, and I'll keep them clean. Beyond that, embrace the chaos or move along.)

10. Overcome inertia. (Hey, inertia...fuck you. Seriously.)

On the other hand, I can change a flat tire, cook an awesome Thanksgiving turkey, make my teenager laugh, and sing high harmony.

What are YOUR cans and can'ts? Don't be afraid to share - it's what makes us awesome.


  1. I totally flip off people in traffic too! And I can't knit either.

  2. I can't carry a tune to save my life - but that doesn't stop me.

  3. Can't draw more than stick figures. Fine motor skills generally escape me. Can only sing along within a narrow alto range, don't expect me to hit the high notes (Karen Carpenter, RIP). I understand dessert spices, savory ones escape me -- so I stick to making desserts.

  4. I can't:
    Stop consuming sugar
    Play piano (or any instrument, for that matter)
    Speak any language beyond English
    Change a flat tire
    Cook a turkey
    Decorate a home (or even keep it clean)
    Shape my eyebrows
    Wiggle my ears

    But I can knit.



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