Fun with Groupon

I was on Groupon today, looking for hot local deals at a great price.

No, really, I was. I mean, OK, Groupon and I have had our problems. But no hard feelings. Even though they never have what I really want.

Is this too much to ask? I'll pay for a collar and leash.
And whatever the Basset hound needs, too.

Still, you can find a lot of really cool stuff on Groupon. Judging from the photos, at least. I don't have time to read a lot of fine print, I'm very busy looking at online comics and trolling gun nuts on Twitter. But from what I can see, there are bargains galore on quality goods and services to be found.

Check out just a few of what I assume they are, based on these actual photos from the Dallas Groupon page:

Squid eyeballs, assorted sizes, on display stands. 57% off retail.

Giant tire moving service. 32% off retail.

Custom-made clothing for your sex doll. Over 100 sold.

A night of bowling with the Invisible Man. 41% off retail.

A punch dead square in the face. 34% off.

Specialty massage to remove large, throbbing forehead veins. Top rated deal.

A sternly delivered warning from a thug with a switchblade. 24% off.

Pair of 30-year-old used roller skates, with socks. Almost gone!

Treatment for one enormous foot. 71% off.

Cleavage-watching party. Quantities limited.

Eye replacement (left only). 17% off retail.

Pre-used puppy training pads. Make great gifts.

Fulfillment of one oddly specific fetish. 69% off.

Straight-up murder of a foe, nemesis, or rival. Click here.

Remember, these are limited-time offers, so don't delay. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for the blogger in your life, let's just say I know a couple of people who could use a sternly delivered warning.