Saturday, November 29, 2014

Gonna Get Hooked

Something very, very exciting is happening this Thursday.

imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.netWay more exciting thanDouchebag Karaoke Night.
NBC is presenting a live musical production of Peter Pan on Thursday night. Remember last year, when NBC presented The Sound of Music Live, with Carrie Underwood playing a piece of cardboard playing Maria?

Her performance would have been 300% better if Mel Brooks
had dubbed in "Don't be stupid, be a smarty,
come and join the Nazi party." Over every one of her lines.
Even though I hate and loathe The Sound of Music, last year's live production was incredibly entertaining. The Internet went on a live-blogging/tweeting spree and made everything better. That's what the Internet does. That's what it's for.

Imagine how much better the Watergate hearings would have been
with a live Twitter feed. #IAmNotACrook
(Look it up, children.)
With Peter Pan, I'm looking forward to actual, unironic enjoyment of at least part of the show. The reason, of course: Christopher Walken as Captain Hook.

"I carried this hook in my ass for two years..."
I'd just to like to say without hyperbole that this is the best casting decision ever made in the history of stage performance.

Also, this is the best GIF in the history of GIFs.
On Thursday night, I'm going to riff Peter Pan on my Facebook page and Twitter. How can I not? I'm counting on it to be completely awesome. Which certainly doesn't mean I'm counting on it to be good, unless by "good" we're talking about "so preternaturally bad that Jesus comes back early just to check it out." That would be fine, too.

There's just one thing. Last year when I live-blogged The Sound of Music, I was BUI (blogging under the influence). The vodka was flowing, and it definitely helped my enjoyment of the proceedings, not to mention my ability to turn off my mental filters and write whatever popped into my head every three minutes or so.

Stuart Miles/
Most useless, annoying button since that dumbass
Windows key.
When Peter Pan airs, I'll have been sober for more than 13 weeks - a full three months. To be honest, at this point I'm not drinking primarily because I'm enjoying all the weight I've lost. I feel no moral imperative to stay on the proverbial wagon. On the other hand, I feel no particular urge to go back to consuming nightly doses of vodka that would impress Vladimir Putin. There were definite downsides to that behavior.

But you know...I might really have a great time riffing on Peter Pan with a drink in my hand. Frankly, you all might get a kick out of it, too. I can't imagine that a singing, dancing Christopher Walken in full pirate regalia wouldn't be 15 to 25 times more amazing with the help of a little potato juice.

Hell, how do we know he won't be lit while he's performing?
Like, for the last 40 years?
So...I don't know. Some of you expressed pretty clear opinions about my alcohol consumption after I stopped. Your concern was very much appreciated, and I don't want to disappoint those of you who took the time to care about my well-being.

Still, drunk-blogging sounds like a lot of fun for everyone.

I don't know. Weigh in, dear readers?

Either way, I hope you'll join me.


  1. You're just as funny sober. Seriously. And your liver will thank you!

  2. I'm on the side of the crocodile. May it eat them all.


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