Confluence

Hey, guys, I'm back.

Uh...sup?

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I've been away a while.
Is that still how the kids say it?

I never meant to stop writing this blog. You'll see in a minute how all that happened, if you keep reading.

But once I did stop, I really, truly - no bullshit, guys - never thought anyone would care. Or express concern. Or want it to come back. Let me say that the words of support and encouragement I've received over the last 10 weeks have been unexpected and overwhelming. I'd like to call out by name everyone who's been nice to me, but I'd be devastated if I left someone out. If I could, I would track down every last person who reached out to me and give you a coffee cake and a hug.

Image courtesy of duron123 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
My stock-photo source doesn't know
what coffee cake is, so I guess
I'll give you banana muffins instead.

The words "thank you" don't even come close to expressing my gratitude to all my Drunkards for sticking with me. Honestly, I never knew you guys were having as much fun reading my crap as I was having writing it. If you were just being polite, now is not the time to share that. I'm on a high here. Don't harsh my buzz, kthx.

So. What the hell happened?

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It's a head-scratcher.
No, it literally is. You'll see.

The amazing thing about life - and the thing that keeps me living it, no matter how screwed up I try to make it - is its way of weaving itself from bits and pieces that we never imagine would come together. God must be a baseball fan (duh, of course God is a baseball fan), because he loves a good curveball and he knows that bobbles and errors keep the game interesting. Also, $8 is a ridiculous price to pay for a cup of stadium beer. But I guess that's not His fault.

Anyway, let me cut to the chase, and then fill in the details (or the "deets" - that's what the kids say, right?).

For the last 10 weeks, I've been suffering from shingles. I came down with them the day after I wrote my farewell blog post. I stopped drinking the same day. I haven't had a drink in 10 weeks, but I've still got shingles. Also, I've lost 15 pounds. I do not recommend my method as a diet plan.

I didn't mean for any of these things to happen. If you were writing a screenplay, you would never have all of these things happen to a single character in a single space of time. Even M. Night Shyamalan would find it preposterous, and he wants us to believe The Happening was a carefully crafted satire.

Marky Mark says what?

Anyway, when I woke up on September 1st and realized I had unceremoniously dumped my blog in a drunken stupor, I thought, "Shit." And I really wanted to write about how I felt about that. Then I thought, "Shit shit."

So I started a journal and wrote about it there. Here's what I wrote on September 1st:

Last night I pulled the plug on my blog. I didn’t realize it, but my last blog entry came five years to the day after my first. That’s a pretty solid milestone, but that’s not why I did it.

I had to walk away because it wasn’t working. A concept I can’t yet apply to my dying marriage, I was able to apply to something that arguably has meant more to me over the last five years.

The blog had become a trigger. It took me a stupid amount of time to link the profound increase in my alcohol consumption over the last five years with the blog. When it came to drinking, in fact, I had developed a massive blind spot linking it to anything, up to and including the failure of my marriage. I can't keep writing if I want to do anything about that.

This morning I woke up with my eyes swollen and a mysterious, phantom pain over my left eye. It hasn’t gone away all day. I guess I should be glad it’s Labor Day. All I’ve ruined is a three-day weekend.

Over the last few days I’ve been drinking tequila instead of vodka. It’s brought a whole different kind of hangover. I hate it. No more tequila for me. I mean that. This sucks.

On the other hand, because I’ve been drinking tequila, I haven’t been drinking vodka. I’ve gone several days without, and it’s fine. I feel as if I can go several more. And honestly, that’s worth whatever this weird tequila poisoning is. I hope my left eye gets better, though, because it hurts like a motherfucker.

Bottom line, I have to stop writing so I can keep writing. I had gotten to the point where drinking was very nearly a prerequisite to sitting down to do a blog post. And by drinking, of course, I mean getting drunk. The concept of drinking without getting drunk is foreign to me. The concept of stopping is foreign to me. Choosing to stop for the night? That’s what unconsciousness is for, right?

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of building my life around drinking. It’s ruining my life. And since blogging and drinking are locked in a death-grip in my mind, blogging has to go.
Maybe not forever. But definitely for now.

I didn't know that the "mysterious, phantom pain over my eye" was shingles. Not yet. When I went to the doctor a few days later, I was convinced the diagnosis was going to be pinkeye and the treatment a quick round of antibiotics.

Life has a way of letting us know how stupid we are.

There's more to the story. There always is. We'll get to that.

For now, welcome back to Always Drunk. I hope you like the new design. There's a new FAQ page if you want to read it, and over on my Facebook page there's a wonderful new cover image designed by my friend Michael Hawkins. Feedback is always welcome, but please don't throw rotten fruit. It upsets the monkeys.

And, once again, thanks for sticking with me.

Next: All the nasty lowdown on shingles.