This FAQ was updated in November 2014. If you want to read the old version, you can find it here. Everything in it is still true, but I'm bored with those questions now. - CB
Welcome to my Frequently Asked Questions page! Here's everything you need to know to avoid being that person who doesn't know everything there is to know about the acclaimed blog "Always Drunk." That person sucks. Don't be that person.
Instead, be the person who knows all this stuff. Win a bar bet. Bask in the sickly glow of your limited wisdom. Wish you had the next 10 minutes of your life back. It's all the same to me. Just don't actually ask me any of these questions and make me tell you to read the goddamned FAQ. I HAVE NO TIME FOR SUCH NONSENSE. Bastards.
Just kidding. I love you all. Now shut up and read.
Why do you write this blog?
Because not writing makes me crazy. Although a little while ago I stopped writing the blog because it was making me crazy. Then I realized that, since crazy was my fate either way, and I enjoy writing more than I enjoy not writing, I may as well have a good time going apeshit. Also, I still hold on to hope that this will make me a million dollars some day, in much the same way that I still hope Paul McCartney will nuzzle my neck some day.
What happened to your marriage to Beloved Spouse?
Well, yeah, but why?
Because of some things I did, and because of some things he did. Because I thought our marriage would last forever, but one day I realized that no longer sounded like something I would enjoy. Beyond that, it's not blog-fodder, not even if someone offered me that million dollars I mentioned before.
What's with you and monkeys?
I love monkeys, apes, and primates of all sorts. I have for a very long time, although I can't remember exactly when or why I got so attached to them. It's a repressed memory, I think. If I went to a hypnotherapist, I'm sure I'd discover that at some point a macaque dragged me from a burning building or a chimp knocked a poisoned goblet out of my hand. I'm not sure why I would repress something that cool, so maybe it's just from reading Curious George as a kid. Without repressed monkey memory therapy I'll never know. I may have to crowdfund that. In any event, monkeys are awesome. So are squirrels, snakes, crows, and mooseses.
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Pretty. And I'm still hoping I grow up someday.
Are you in fact always drunk?
As of this writing, I'm not drunk on alcohol at all. My body unionized and went on strike for fewer hangovers. Wait until the next time your contract is up for negotiation, body. We'll see who calls the shots. Still, from the Baudelairean perspective, I do try to be drunk on something as often as possible. Because sobriety is not really much fun.
Have you quit alcohol forever?
Oh fuck, I hope not. Also, I have no concept of forever because I'm woefully immature. I could be drinking by the time you read this. Drop me an email and ask me. I'll tell you.
Are you an alcoholic?
Nope. I am not, although Dear Abby likely would say otherwise (Dear Abby: Why is alcoholism your go-to diagnosis for anyone who mentions they've ever had a drink when they write to you? Did your mother, the first Dear Abby, beat you with a wine bottle when you were a child? Because you seem to have roughly the same relationship with alcohol that Christina Crawford had with wire hangers.). Also, my physician flat-out told me that I shouldn't even attempt to stop drinking without professional help. Yet I did just that, with no ill effects. The truth is, I'm a failure as an alcoholic. It's just too easy for me to go without drinking. For what it's worth, I also failed at being bulimic when I was younger. It turns out these are real afflictions - you can't just magically acquire them because you want a problem people will sympathize with. With which people will sympathize. Whatever.
Why do you do that? That inverting a sentence so it doesn't end with a preposition and then saying "whatever" thing?
Because I think it's funny. It reminds me that I should always write what I think is funny, because if I think it's funny, other people may think so, too. And even if they don't, even if they think it's annoying as hell, at least I'm writing something that gets a reaction and sticks with them, which is even better. Annoying people for attention definitely is something I can live with. With which I can live. Whatever.
In 2013 you stopped eating sweets. How long did that last?
I never went back to eating sweets. Every once in a while I'll have a little nibble of some candy or ice cream that Precocious Daughter is enjoying, and it's like eating an entire aisle in a candy store. Delicious, but overwhelming. I have no idea what switch flipped in my brain to me to turn from a person who could eat a tube of cookie dough in an evening to someone who can't even chew fruit-flavored gum. If I knew, I'd have that million dollars locked up and then some. Show your work, brain. Show your goddamned work, why can't you?
Will you ever use your real name on this blog?
Yes, for a million dollars.
Who is Tabitha?
Tabitha Roxanne Renee Louise Brown is my page admin. She is also my nemesis. She hates me and tries to undermine me at every opportunity. Whenever I'm feeling down, she knows exactly how to make me feel even worse. It's possible she's a figment of my imagination, but she's a hell of a stubborn figment. If anyone out there needs a page admin, I'll be glad to let you hire her away from me.
Do you accept guest posts?
Oh God yes. Please come play at my house. Email me at cbaudelaire(at)always-drunk.com if you're interested.
Would you write a guest post for my blog?
A thousand times yes. If you're reckless enough to let me into your clubhouse, I'll ransack the place, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Again, shoot me an email.
Can I ask you one more question?