Thursday, June 5, 2014

This May Be the Weirdest Thing I've Ever Written

Read that title again.

The woman who has written about crusty vagina fruit and Anthony's Weiner thinks this is weird. Yeah.

Oh, two-headed calf, you try.
I went into my bathroom tonight. The lid on the toilet was down. Which, believe it or not, was not the weird part. I lifted the lid and saw...

Should I have taken pictures?

Maybe I should have taken pictures.

But I didn't. I mean, how many of us have the presence of mind to snap a photo when the unexpected happens?


Anyway, I lifted the lid and saw that the toilet bowl had a bunch of little short curly black hairs floating in it.

If you don't know, Precocious Daughter and I - this is the bathroom we share - both have blondish-brownish hair. She flat-irons hers, and mine only holds a curl if you douse it in Twinkies-grade industrial chemicals, and the last time I did that was in 1991.

So my first thought on seeing what was floating in the toilet was, Why would my ex (yes, still living with my ex; no, not going to talk about it) come into the ladies' bathroom, trim his pubes into our toilet bowl, then fail to flush? And also, did he use my antique toenail scissors to do it?

I have had them literally my entire life.
They're not as shiny as these, but they still
cut a mean toenail. Am I the only person
who uses something like this to self-pedi?

I called him into the bathroom and asked if he knew anything about the wiry black hairs in the toilet. He swore he didn't, and after 26 years, I know when the man is and is not bullshitting. At that point PDaughter wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I mean, I wasn't going to let her look at the scene of the crime until I knew for certain that I wasn't going to be exposing her to her father's pubic hair.

Did I really just write that?

Or maybe it was Bill Cosby's hair!
Or...not. Sorry, Cos.
PDaughter knew nothing about it. Look, I give my beautiful daughter the privacy she deserves. But I know for a fact that no part of her body produces kinky black hair. Mine either, for that matter, and even if it did, the dementia has not progressed so far that I wouldn't remember thinning out the crops and dropping them into the toilet.

Not completely related, but...OMG, best tattoo ever.


We finally decided to agree that our senior cat, who is a tuxedo kitty and loves to jump onto the toilet seat and drink out of the bowl, must have left the hairs. Did she fall in while we were all out? Did something startle her while she was drinking, causing her to quickly drop a bunch of little furs? Did said furs, assuming we're buying any of this story, suddenly become short and curly instead of medium-length and silky upon hitting the water?

Without ever really meeting one another's eyes, we sort of agreed on some poorly articulated version of that story and dispersed. I flushed the intruder hairs away (without photographic documentation) and went about my business.

And I never did speak aloud my pet theory of how those strange hairs came to inhabit my toilet.


Fantasmas muy machos. Orale!

Specifically, male ghosts of Mediterranean descent who decided to haunt my bedroom and use my toenail scissors to man(ghost)scape themselves when I wasn't looking. Except they forgot to flush the toilet, because they're goddamn black-haired ghosts with hairy scrotes, what do you expect?

I really have no other explanation for how short curly dark hairs ended up in the toilet used primarily by fair-haired women who at least know how to flush, for God's sake.

Again, not strictly related, but thanks,
Google Image Search.
Bottom line: I believe my home has been visited by hirsute ghosts who decided to take a break and clip their spectral pubic hair into my actual toilet bowl, then dematerialize without flushing.

And I double-dog dare you to come up with a better explanation. You want this goddamn blog? You can have it. Just relay what actually happen.

PDaughter and I and our swarthy spirits are waiting to hear.


  1. One of your Cavia porcellus got out of the cage. She was pregnant, but ashamed of it because, not in holey wedlock, etc. So she came to the loo, emptied the evidence in the bowl, flushed (inadequately; she's a guinea pig, for hagfishsake) and went back to the cage.

    May I have the blog now?

    1. We have but a single porcellus, and her fur is white and various shades of ginger. So you may not have the blog...although if you ever wanted to guest-post, I would publish the shit out of that.

  2. I learned from watching Mr. Wizard's World that hair curls when wet. Different types of hair curl to different degrees (Don Herbert had to use someone else's hair for his experiment because his snowy locks wouldn't work for the hair-operated humidifier he was building).

    It never occurred to me before that cat fur might also curl when wet. Fur is different from hair, which is why dogs don't go bald when they get chemotherapy, but maybe it curls too.

    I think I'm going to experiment with cat hair, but I won't share the results. I don't want to dispel the illusion that you've got swarthy man-scaping ghosts living in your house.

  3. I..well...I don't know how to respond.

    I guess if you have to have a ghost, one that leaves pubic hairs isn't as bad as like the ghost in poltergeist?

  4. I just had a dream about you. I gave you a face, blonde hair, I gave you a PD and a PD's boyfriend who called you Mrs Donne. I turned up at your home with a model of your teeth which you'd sent me, to show you the things that were wrong. You were cleaning the ceiling. I called you Lynn.

    Also in the dream Barack Obama had a stroke and other stuff happened.

    About your flush the hair

    1. Might have somehow come in the water as a contaminant.
    2. May be fungal filaments and not hair.
    3. Christopher may be correct.

    The dream was weird touch. It was very, very vivid and I recall exactly what you told me: "Bill, your 'dental wall' is extremely irritating. You use far too many technical terms. "

    I: "I suppose that's a compliment to your intelligence, that I'm comfortable not talking down to you. "


  5. Was there a can of Coke around? Might have been a Supreme Court Justice.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.