Thursday, January 2, 2014

Fan-tastic News for Sports Hounds

Faithful readers know that I am a sometimes-compensated spokesperson for fantasy football. Due to my total expertise on the subject.

Fantasy football: Bringing together nerds and jocks
in a beautiful and not at all homoerotic partnership.
I'm pretty sure.
The essence of fantasy football is the way it sucks all the drama and immediacy from the sport by reducing the definition of victory to a dry amalgam of statistics that utterly fail to reflect the dynamic, unpredictable nature of human competition. It's sort of like a cooking competition where, instead of tasting any of the dishes, the judges declare a winner based on how many total tablespoons of stuff were in each recipe.

So many ingredients! It must be good!
So yeah, fantasy football is pretty lame, unless I'm getting paid to write about it, in which case HURRRRRRR FOOTBALL 'MURICA.

But you know what would make fantasy football not only very cool, but also much more adorable?


Human sacrifice optional but also potentially adorable.
Fortunately, the wise humans at Animal Planet are way ahead of me on this. That's why this year, for the first time, the cable channel's famous Puppy Bowl will include a fantasy draft.

As an important player in the world of fantasy football journalism, probably I should know exactly what a fantasy draft is.

Something to do with this, maybe.
What I do know is that Puppy Bowl is the cutest thing in the world and I watch it every year on Super Bowl Sunday because puppies. And this year you'll be able to put together a fantasy puppy team so you can prove how pathetic you are more fully engage with the game.

Although I'm sure some of you will only watch for the cheerleaders.
So you'll be able to follow the stats of your favorite players and see how your fantasy puppy team stacks up against your friends' teams, assuming any of your friends are willing to admit they're doing this. And if your fantasy team wins, you'll be able to...well, you'll have the honor of...that is to say...

Anyway, if you need to satisfy your gambling addiction and/or insatiable need to achieve a mathematical victory, then be sure to check out the first-ever Puppy Bowl Fantasy Draft. Because...sure, why not? Also...puppies.

Hey, Animal Planet, this endorsement is free of charge. But I'm willing to be hired as an analyst. I'll bring my own squeaky toy.


  1. I have been playing fantasy football for about 16 years now after The Hubster needed warm bodies for a league. I still hate watching football, although I love getting together for a live fantasy draft with friends.

    I will, however, tell them to kiss my ass because puppies. Animal Planet is genius.


  2. I'm sorry, what is fantasy football? I have no idea. Is that football as in, y'know, football, or American " " " " " " " " " " football " " " " " " " " " ? And where does the 'fantasy' come in?

    (I'd like to thank you for the comment you left, by the way. It brought tears to my eyes - but then I cry easily these days. )


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.