Sunday, December 8, 2013

Unsweet Holidays

So back on Halloween, I told you all about how I was off sweets.

Scary, right?
You know what? I'm still off sweets. It's been more than two months, and I just don't want sugary stuff any more.

I know, WTF?
I still completely appreciate yummy sweet gooey tasty chocolatey treats on an intellectual level. They sound delicious. They look appealing. I remember eating them and loving them.

But if you offer me a candy bar or a slice of pie or a bowl of ice cream or a piece of cake, my answer I just don't want it.

It's weird.
I didn't eat a single piece of Halloween candy. I didn't have any of Precocious Daughter's birthday cake. I didn't have any pecan pie on Thanksgiving. And I'm fully expecting to not eat Christmas cookies or candy.

Which I realize will make it a challenge when it comes to stuffing my stocking. What do you put in a Christmas stocking if not sweets, sweets, and more sweets?

Keeping in mind that is
likely not an option.
To answer the obvious question, yes, I have lost a few pounds. In fact, if I cut out my empty vodka calories, I'd probably be McConaughey-in-Dallas Buyer's Club-skinny in no time. But on the off chance that those calories are what's keeping me alive, I can't bring myself to give them up.

It's a health issue.

I didn't read the article this image came from,
but I'm going to presume the answer is YES.

Anyway, I don't know what has caused this change in my biological craving for sugar. I wish I did, so that I could become a kabillionaire by selling the secret to others. I didn't want this, I didn't seek it out. I'd say it's like cancer, if that weren't a completely shallow, insenstive, and selfish comparison to make.

So I won't say that.

But it will be interesting to see if my indifference to sweets survives the Christmas season. Because if it does, I will have completed the most successful identity transformation since Eli Manning stopped being a complete dick.

Oh wait, that hasn't happened.

Faith in the universe restored.
But you get my drift.

I'll keep you posted on what happens. Right now I want a snack. Something...salty? I mean, what the hell is that?



  1. I used to think different things tasted sweet but that only salt tasted salty. But I'm pretty sure everything that has a sweet taste has something in it ending in -ose, meaning it's some kind of sugar. And then I got a chemistry set for Christmas one year and potassium chloride was one of the chemicals. I was a smartass and knew that potassium chloride is basically just table salt with some extra protons and neutrons, so I disregarded the warning on the label and tried it. And it was like super salt. It was saltier than salt.

    So that doesn't explain why you're off sweets, but if you're jonesing for salt potassium chloride will be like cocaine. I would recommend francium chloride, which I'm sure exists, but it's rare and probably explosive. It's also radioactive, so it would probably give you cancer, but you could totally get away with that cancer comparison if you actually had cancer.

    1. This might be my favorite comment ever in the history of this blog. Thank you, good sir.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.