Saturday, December 21, 2013

Ten More Things...And By More I Don't Mean Greater, Just More

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post called "Ten Things You Didn't Know You Needed to Know About Me." Or something like that. I'm kind of too drunk to look up the exact title now.

Hipsters be like, I was looking shit up
before it was cool.
Anyway, I've decided my Drunkards need to know 10 more random and completely insignificant things about me. If you disagree, you can stop reading now. But I'll entice you to hang in there with this: Several of these will be personally embarrassing to me. That's my best offer. Not good enough? Well, how about this: Some of these are actually timely and related to current events. What do you think of me now?

I am a veritable fucking Ginsu knife of added blogger value.
PLUS goddamn free shipping.
Well, whether you care or not, here are another 10 things about me that for some reason I think you should know.

1.  I don't give a crap about what the old guy on "Duck Dynasty" said about gay people. The only thing I find remotely interesting about the whole brouhaha is A&E's dithering. Their Prime Directive is to do whatever will glue more eyeballs to their shows, and they have no idea which side of the issue will accomplish that. I think that's entertaining.

2.  I don't believe my job as a parent is to make sure my child is successful. I wouldn't know success if it bit me on the ass, so what right do I have to impose some contrived version of it upon her ever-changing world?

Fucking kill me if this ever becomes important to either of us.
3. I'd like to buy a decent-quality Breathalyzer so I can see how drunk I actually get when I get drunk.

This one says it measures BAC up to 0.40%.
Does that sound like a challenge or what?
4. I don't give a half a flying fuck what color Santa Claus is. He's a nice old guy who gives out presents, right? Why is that only OK if he's one color or another?

5.  The most valuable thing I learned this year is to recognize hypocrisy when I see it. Hint: It's not an abstract concept; it always looks like someone you know (or thought you knew) personally.

Hint: They don't live in Plano, Texas.
6. I will rarely, if ever, turn off an REO Speedwagon song if it comes on the radio. Everything that happens to you between the ages of 12 and 14 sticks with you forever.

7. If I had a million dollars (as Barenaked Ladies sang), I would divvy it up among all the people I love who are in need of money, and end up no better off financially than I've ever been, but would feel so rich it wouldn't matter. Because my poverty of spirit bothers me way more than poverty of material shit ever has.

8. I don't believe the Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, is a good thing. If the biggest impediment to affordable health care is greedy, unchecked insurance companies, I don't understand how forcing people to buy  insurance from them is the solution to the problem. I don't even believe it's "better than no solution at all." Even if that costs me my liberal/progressive card.

9. This blog is the only thing that keeps me sane.

10. I ate a bowl of cornbread stuffing for dinner tonight. My body is slowly rejecting different types of food. Soon I will subsist on Lean Pockets and vodka. And I'll probably still be 30 pounds overweight. This is why I believe there is a God, and he's punishing the crap out of me for my sins.

Also could be black or whatever and I wouldn't give a crap,
as long as He was as awesome as He seems to be.
That's all. Thank you for your time.

1 comment:

  1. Drunk or not, this is a great post. I too would get a great deal of enjoyment out of giving away money and changing people's lives. I don't care much about stuff. I'd like to have the money to travel and to get my broke ass care fixed.

    And my blog keeps me feeling like I have a small grasp on sanity as well.

    Happy holidays to you, my friend. :)


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