Monday, December 16, 2013

Tabitha Takes On Affluenza

Note: It's time for another Tabitha post, because if I don't let her post every 10 days or so, she puts me in a burlap sack and beats me with ferrets. For real. I don't know what she's going to write about today, but if I owe anyone an apology, just let me know.

hi, y'all. Tabby here.

not chuck baudelaire.
i mean, gross, right?

so today's topic is: fuck this guy.
fuck. this. guy.
this 16-year-old goddamn egg-sucking douchebag is ethan couch. He lives in texas. he comes from a wealthy family. as you can tell by the fact that he's sooooo attractive and powerful-looking. as all rich people are.
back in june he stole some beer, got into his daddy's pickup truck, and killed four people.
winner of the 2013
"best person in the history of
ever being a good person ever" award.
last week he got sentenced to 10 years' probation and a stint in rehab. for wiping out four innocent people on the side of the road. did I mention he also turned one of the passengers in his truck into a vegetable?
he wasn't sentenced to have to look at his friend's face every day
for the rest of his life. go figure.
and why was ethan couch essentially found not eligible for punishment for his crime?
What the fucking fuckety fuck?
in a nutshell, the rich kid's parents paid some asswipe professional expert to testify under oath that because ethan was sooo privileged and his parents so prosperous, he had never been taught right from wrong as we mortals have had to deal with in our plebian, non-rich lives. therefore, it was totes not his fault that he didn't know a 16-year-old boy shouldn't steal, drive drunk, endanger his passengers, and snuff out the lives of people who were stranded on the side of the road and other people who had generously stopped to assist them.

who fucking knew?
i now turn this post over to my good friend and savior, jesus christ.

me fucking me.
on a sidecar.
right. so ethan, a young man with a good education and a fine family and OH YEAH MONEY, can't be held responsible for his actions because money.

if you are rich enough, you are not required to obey the law.

because money makes you morally superior to law.

so you can kill people.

because how can you be expected to know right from wrong when money money money money money money?

wealth is attractive. remember this image.
i didn't grow up rich. i had nothing. i had a single stick of gum in my whole childhood, and I had to share it with my aunts.

but guess what? i knew that hurting people was bad.

i'd like to point out that i only hurt chuck baudelaire mentally and emotionally. i would never mow her down in a pickup truck when i was drunk.

that would be wrong.


he's not listening. i all caps-ed for nothing.
victim of society, my sweet rounded ass. he killed people, and he got away with it because of money.

chuck baudelaire would never say this, but i will: i hope you are anally raped by zombies until you die, ethan couch. and i hope your parents are eaten by fire ants. and i hope the fucking expert witness who got you off will disappear into a time vortex and emerge as a eunuch in Caligula's court on a day he's particularly horny and sadistic.


i have a disease, too.

it's called i want to push soulless, wealthy dicks under a train and observe how their rich, fancy brains squoosh just like poor people's brains when they get run over.

money doesn't make you a bad person. but if you're a bad person, money makes you fucking terrible.

prove me wrong.


  1. Thank you, Tabitha. I now understand why I hear so many rich people say things like, "People are only poor because they choose to be," or "I'm not privileged. I worked hard to be born into a wealthy family." Okay that second one is made up, but the first one is something I have heard people say. People with a mental illness called affluenza.

    I propose we treat affluenza like other mental disorders. It should be treated. And it goes without saying that people who have it can afford to pay for it. It's the one disease that should be denied insurance coverage because it's caused by having too much money, and allowing people who suffer from affluenza (although I'm not sure 'suffer' is the right word) to keep their money is just enabling their disease.

    After all the people with affluenza are the ones claiming poverty is morally instructive. So let 'em try it.


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