Saturday, November 30, 2013

My November Novel

I was totally supposed to write a novel this month, right? Because of NaNoMoFoGoRaToGaROFLMAO. Right? I'm not good with acronyms.

Do I have to spell it out?
Well, in my time zone, there is less than one hour left in November. So if I'm going to write a freaking novel, it's now or never.

Oh, it's now.

This. Yes.
Here is my 50-minute novel. For free. Yeah, try to get a free book out of the Bloggess or Hyperbole and  Half. They'll say fuck you, my crazy ain't free. But mine is.

Always Drunk, The Novel

Chapter 1

She woke filled with regret, without truly understanding why. Then she rolled over. Oh God, why? Why the head of marketing, of all people to sleep with in a drunken haze?

Chapter 2

"Even though you're but a low-level employee, we're putting you on this important project. You'll be working directly under the head of marketing." Don't look him in the eye, don't look him in the eye.

Chapter 3

He was beautiful, stylish, and vapid. He had no idea how to make this campaign a success. She did...but did she dare to upstage him?

Chapter 4

Her gay best friend clucked his tongue over a glass of wine. "Girl, you have got to get your priorities straight. He can't make you OR break you without your permission. Let's listen to Erasure."

Chapter 5

Her mother sounded sad, desperate, resigned on the phone. "I know you haven't had the best relationship, dearie, but your father is really ill. He'd understand if your work kept you from coming home, I'm sure."

Chapter 6

He had been such an attentive lover. How could he now be so cold and cruel when she needed a friend?

Chapter 7

Her straight girlfriend was aghast at the advice she'd received from her gay best friend. "Really? Oh my god, this is your one big chance. Grab it. Don't get stuck in a loveless marriage before you're ready to settle down like I did."

Chapter 8

He acts as if he's embarrassed by her at the big advertiser cocktail party. She gets courage from a number of cocktails and in a humorous way makes an impression on the bigwigs completely separate from him.

Chapter 9

She's thrilled to have made the gossip columns, but he treats it as a personal insult. "If you want to be on this team, be a team player," he threatens, then seduces her.

Chapter 10

This deadline is her only chance to prove her dedication to the project. Then Mom calls with bad news: Dad is worse, and asking for her.

Chapter 11

"Thank you for coming, love. I wasn't sure you would." While she's at her dad's side, the head of marketing assembles a disastrous presentation for the client. When they protest, he throws her under the bus, and she returns to work as a pariah with a damaged reputation. Yet he still wants to have sex.

Chapter 12

The gay friend can't help because his partner has AIDS. The straight friend can't help because she just found out she's pregnant and so is now totally selfish. Such alone, much feels.

Chapter 13

She saves the campaign with a late-night burst of creativity. The head of marketing is so grateful he fucks her. By the way, he's engaged to a high-society lady who thinks journalism is a cheap, slutty profession.

Chapter 14

She comes up with a brilliant idea out of the blue which saves the entire project. She's feted by the industry, so has to miss the funeral of her gay friend's partner, who has died of AIDS, and the birth of her straight friend's child.

Chapter 15

"We hope you're very happy with your newfound success," say all of her friends who have been emotionally abandoned while she climbs the corporate ladder and sleeps with her boss.

Chapter 16

"Your father is dead. But I suppose you're too successful to come to his funeral." She is expected to completely revise the marketing campaign in two days and doesn't know what to say.

Chapter 17

Her boss/lover says, "If you miss this deadline because you feel like you have to go home and say goodbye to a corpse that never really appreciated you, then your career is over." She is aghast, but is seen cancelling her flight.

Chapter 18

Sun rises over her father's grave. She is there, fighting back tears. "I'm sorry I was never the success you wanted," she whispers. As she gets up, the head of marketing is there. "Thank you for not listening to me," he says. They kiss.

Chapter 19

The new campaign - based on love of family - is a huge hit with the client. She is showered with adulation, which the head of marketing graciously lets her bask in. Also, the gay friend finds new love and the straight friend loves her baby.

Chapter 20

She fucks the head of marketing one more time before deciding she really wants to travel. Everyone says they will miss her, except the head of marketing, who says she's doing the right thing by leaving him.

Chapter 21

Five years later, she is the assistant editor of the hottest fashion magazine in Europe. Her mom has found love with the straight friend of her gay best friend. Her former boss has married a widow with seven kids and has never been happier.


That wasn't so hard. See you next year, November.

1 comment:

  1. In fifty-minutes you wrote a novel that can be read in five minutes, thus helping out those who made a goal of reading one-hundred books in a year. That's what the kids call a win-win.


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