Sunday, July 14, 2013


This is a repeat, Drunkards, because I'm on vacation. Imma try to give you some new content this week, but i can't promise, because multitasking is hard. Anyway, enjoy.


About a week ago I wrote a slightly whiny, self-indulgent post called "10 Really Good Reasons I've Been Ignoring My Blog." 

Navel gazing: Something at which
I am quite good.
And my wonderful Drunkards, you responded with some lovely, supportive comments. Thank you for that. Maybe you just want me to continue ranting about candy bars and Rick Perry for your own selfish amusement. I am OK with being used in that manner.

Yes, play me, like your iPod.
As long you all feel you are being charged a fair rate for my services, we good.

Anyway, I noticed a new comment on that post yesterday.


Everything's better in pearls.

I'm totally freaked out. Who is it? Who is reading that would surprise me? I mean, frankly I'm surprised that anyone reads this blog. So that doesn't narrow down the list of suspects at all.

Should I take this literally? Is Anonymous reading?

Because I need that level of stress in my life.
Oh, shit, it's the NSA, isn't it? Those dudes are everywhere.

Thanks, Obama.
Well, hell. I'm just going to make a list of who could be leaving vague comments like that on my posts. I don't think I even want to know who it actually is. I mean, "Anonymous" could be some fat naked dude in Omaha who likes monkey art. That would be what we call "surprising in a creepy way." In that case, I'm much better off not knowing. But off the top of my head, here are my best guesses/hopes/fears.

  • Henry Kissinger
  • Ellen De Generes
  • Texas Lt. Gov. David "Panty-Sniffer" Dewhurst
  • The guy working at Target who looks a little like Jesus
  • Cee-Lo Green
  • Cedric the Entertainer (just in case he and Cee-Lo aren't actually the same person)
  • Carolyn Hax  - in which case, why didn't you answer my letter, bitch? Can't you see I've got problems?
  • Adam Levine. He does everything else, amiright?
  • The Canadian police (guys, I'm not the train wreck you should be examining) (Too soon?) (Yeah, definitely too soon)
  • Benedict Cumberbatch - let's dream big here
  • Barbara Bush
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Mark Zuckerberg (or more likely, one of his minions' minions' minions)
  • Bindi Irwin
  • Charles Barkley
  • Honey Boo-Boo
  • The President of Finland - you know, the lady who looks like Conan O'Brien
  • Conan O'Brien
  • Heidi Klum
  • Any child who has ever sung on a Kidz Bop album
  • Any Jonas Brother
  • The chick who played Hannah Montana's friend - you know, what's-her-name
  • Ariana Huffington
  • The ghost of Sylvia Plath
  • Justin Bieber's monkey
  • Jeff Bridges
  • Elvira
  • Octomom
  • Melissa Rivers
  • The chick in the bee costume from that old Blind Melon video

I'm pretty sure it's one of these.

My money is on Justin Bieber's monkey.
Which would also be a great band name.
Anyway, I now feel I have a fair shot at being discovered, arrested, or audited in the very near future. Which is all I ever really wanted to achieve with this blog.

And world peace. So there's totally no reason for the FBI to raid my house and look in the black tote bag in the back of my closet. Just saying, guys.


  1. Hey, the FBI knows all about black bags. It's their operatives who use them.... I mean... Oh, I get it. Mum's the word. Black bag? What black bag??

  2. Interesting... I wonder if you'll find out who it is? My money is on either the Governor or Lt. Governor of Texas... I mean, you do write about them enough (and, I love your posts about those "men"...)

    Regardless, keep writing! I love reading your blog!!

  3. Silence! I keel you!

    - Raghead the none-too-dead terrorist.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.