Firm Opposition to a Bill (or a Dick)

By: Baudelaire, et al.

A.D.B. No. 1

	A BILL TO BE ENTITLED
	AN ACT
	relating to the regulation of boner bill procedures, providers, and
	facilities; providing penalties.
	BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF ALWAYS DRUNK: WHEREAS we recognize that the State has the right and responsibility to protect Men's health and well-being; WHEREAS Men may enjoy the free exercise of liberty, so long as it does not infringe upon women's right to be left the hell alone and not be pestered while they're trying to talk on the phone or do yoga; WHEREAS it is generally recognized as true and reasonable that Men will, insofar as they are unencumbered by physical defect or restriction of Law, allow their behavior to be governed by the will of their peckers; WHEREAS the Freedom to achieve and maintain an erection is an Inalienable Right not to be abridged or impeded by act of any governing Body; WHEREAS it is necessary to the Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness of Men that they may freely seek remedy from any defect of their Manhood by means of medical appliances (to be known herein for the purposes of identification as "Swedish Penis Pumps - This Is My Bag, Baby") or pharmaceutical intervention; this ACT does address and seek to amend the procurement, use, and unregulated consumption of artificial recreational enhancements, also referred to here and elsewhere as "boner pills." IN CONSIDERATION that no medical need has been found to exist for Men to be able to get it up at will; That the Use of boner pills has been found and agreed to be primarily by Men who are past prime child-fathering years and therefore not intended to aid in procreation; That Furthermore said Old Goats can be reasonably characterized as frequently not planning to use their Love Monkey Wrenches within the bounds of a monogamous marital relationship; That the Morals and Values of Men whose penises remain stubbornly flaccid without boner pills do most closely resemble those of a Feral hog in rut; That boner pills have common and dangerous side effects, including dizziness, swelling of the lips and throat, nausea, blurred vision, tingling in the chest and jaw, shortness of breath, headache, hives, and painful erections lasting more than four hours; That Men cannot possibly be expected to exercise good judgment regarding their own Health and Well-Being in the face of potentially getting laid and not wanting to waste a good woody; this ACT does make it a crime to obtain, possess, or ingest boner pills, Except as follows: Boner pills must be obtained from a medical doctor with a current license valid in all 50 States, at least three Provinces of Canada, and Mars; Boner pills shall be administered only a fully-accredited hospital by a Nurse of the opposite sex who closely resembles the Man's grandmother; Boner pills cannot be dispensed by any pharmacy operating within 300 feet of a church, school, liquor store, striptease establishment, or paved road; The use of boner pills by Men under the age of 80 requires written permission by a parent, pastor, or spouse; Any Man wishing to take boner pills must wait 24 hours from the initial failed attempt to pop a stiffy to do so, and must read passages from the Bible (pref. Old Testament) in the interim. If a Man cannot or does not wish to read Bible passages, he may have them described to him. This ACT shall take effect immediately if two-thirds of the Female members of the legislative body vote in favor of it. In addition, should the required number of votes fail to be cast upon the first roll call, then one or more Special Sessions may be called to reconsider the measure, and also to allow the Female members to berate and ridicule the Male members of the Male members of the legislative body. Failing that, they may attempt to change the electronic voting record to reflect their preferred outcome. May this measure stand. But not for more than four hours or if accompanied by a rash.