10 Terrible Reasons to Vote for __________

Did you know there's a Presidential election tomorrow?

No shit, Sherlock?

Listen: the most important thing is that you vote. After the all the name-calling and smug assurances that Candidate A is perfect but Candidate B eats raw baby kittens with Srirachi sauce, what matters - really - is that the democratic process does its thing. And it can't do that thing without everybody voting.

The vast majority of people who have ever been elected to public office are now dead, along with the people who voted for them. Because time rolls on and history evolves and bad shit happens and sometimes even good shit happens. All those things are transient, by design. A government that never changes is at best a dynasty, at worst a dictatorship. What doesn't change, and for the sake of our way of life can't change, is the process we use to keep it going.

Yes, it does. And fries.

So unless you plan to keep your mouth absolutely shut for the next four years, you're an asshole if you don't vote. I think I read that in the Federalist Papers, near the middle. Vote for the candidate you want to vote for - you can do that in this country. And I'll do the same. That's how it works. Maybe my candidate will win, maybe he won't.

Spoiler alert: I'm voting for
this guy. I don't think he's the
best choice, but I think the other guy
is worse. That's my opinion.

I'm not going to encourage you to vote for the same guy as me. Not in the Presidential race, or any of the other races. I'm not going to discourage you from voting for anyone else. Not at this late date. But I am going to give you some unsolicited advice on why you should NOT vote for a candidate, regardless of who s/he is or what s/he represents. You don't have to take my advice, unless not taking it means not voting at all. You're not getting off democracy's hook that easy.

10 Terrible Reasons to Vote for __________ (and Why)

1. Because __________'s opponent hates America.
(No, it's because YOU hate __________'s opponent. Grow a pair and admit it.)

2. Because only __________ understands America's values.
(No, it's because __________ shares YOUR values. Which is fine, but again, man up.)

3. Because America will be the laughingstock of the world if _________'s opponent is elected.
(The rest of the world will have a problem with anybody we elect. When has it not?)

4. Because my candidate doesn't have a chance of winning, and I don't want to give my vote to the other guy, so I'm going to go with a fringe/write-in/none of the above candidate.
(Elections are about more than your guy winning. How did you make it to adulthood without understanding that?)

5. Because __________ belongs to my party.
(This is why Cleveland Browns fans always lose their Super Bowl bets. Sometimes your team just isn't the best one.)

6. Because [insert name of parent, friend, or pundit] told me to, and that's good enough for me.
(Godammit, your vote is like your virginity. Don't give it away to someone who only wants you to give in.)

7. Because America will be overrun with Communists/Fascists/gays/religious extremists/welfare mothers/oil spills/crack houses/black helicopters if we don't elect __________.
(No, it won't. But if you sit back and pretend that one election and one elected official is all it takes to change the tide for better or for worse, it might be one day.)

8. Because __________'s opponent is a [insert religion, race, ethnicity, or orientation].
 (I believe Hitler may have used this reasoning once or twice.)

9. Because __________ is a [insert religion, race, ethnicity, or orientation].
(Yeah, Hitler again.)

10. Because I've decided to vote on only one issue, and __________ agrees with me on it.
(That's like going out with someone because s/he likes the same bands you do, even though s/he's an unemployed drug addict who calls you names and won't let you see your friends.)

So think. Then vote. Do those things in that order, and democracy will go on. I promise.

Dammit, where's my apple pie?