Thursday, June 21, 2012

My Fantasy Meet and Greet

My dear friend South Side Shelly posted the classic "If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" question on her Facebook page this morning.

If it were "living and dead," I'd totally choose
Zombie Bill Murray.
I'm in the mood to ponder that question this morning, in that I don't feel like working. And the first thing I pondered was: If "meet" and "greet" rhyme, why don't "meat" and "great"? Because I'm easily distracted.

SQUIRRELS! Playing poker! Squirrels playing poker!
Anyway, whom would I like to meet? It's hard to narrow it down. So here are ten folks I would be totally stoked to meet. That is, providing I actually got to spend time with them, chat with them, play pinochle with them maybe. I'm not looking for some wham-bam-thank-you-mam handshake in a receiving line while their eyes are already moving on to the next 300 people they have to pretend to be pleased to meet. I want quality time with these people. Maybe not with tongue or anything, but you know, at least grab a pizza. You can't really say you know someone unless you've broken crust with him or her, am I right?

OK, so here's my list, and also why I want to meet each person on it. There's no point in sharing if you're not oversharing. At least, that will be my excuse when Paul McCartney's security detail moves toward me in a threatening manner.

Chuck Baudelaire's Fantasy Meet-and-Greet (in no particular order)

Who: Sir Paul McCartney
Why: Aside from the obvious homina-homina-homina idol-worship factor, I want to tell him to stop using the damn shoe-polish dye on his hair. You just turned 70, sweetie. You're not fooling anyone. And you looked so fine back when it was graying naturally. And yeah, I'd totally call him "sweetie."

Who: Mary Magdalene
Why: To get the inside scoop on Jesus, duh. Also to find out if she was really a whore or if every woman who showed the slightest bit of gumption in those days just automatically got called that.

Who: Willie Nelson
Why: So he can introduce me to the guy he gets his weed from. Because that dude has got some stories, you know? I mean, I could just put that guy on the list, but who doesn't want to meet Willie? He's awesome.

Who: Gloria Steinem
Why: Bestest Friend has actually met Ms. Steinem, and I'm insanely jealous. She is a brilliant, complicated, polarizing woman, and I want to steal her secrets for being those things. Gloria Steinem, not Bestest Friend, who of course is all those things as well. But I've already met her, silly.

Who: Bill Clinton
Why: I've heard he is one of the most charismatic men on the planet. I dig charisma. And I want to know if it's true what they say about his wiener.

Who: My maternal grandmother
Why: My mom's mom died before I was born. And her relationship with her parents was apparently, um, touchy, so I know almost nothing about either of them. I'd like to hear Nadine's story, and I'd like to know what I got from her. Maybe she was crazy like me. It's good to go back to the source on these things.

Who: Abraham Lincoln
Why: I really want to know what he thinks about this vampire hunter nonsense. Seriously, WTF? I think that's what he'd say, and that would be amazing.

Who: Oprah Winfrey
Why: To demand money. I mean, she's got it leaking out of the sofa cushions. She could peel off a couple of million for me and her ass wouldn't even feel the difference. And she's inspirational, influential, yada yada. But mostly I want her to give me money.

Who: Bob Dylan
Why: Hello? He's Bob Freaking Dylan. OMG.

Who: Erin Moran
Why: She was Joanie on "Happy Days," and now she lives in a trailer park. I just want to know how that shit goes down. Did she never learn to type or fix computers or get certified in something? You've got to have something on your resume besides loving Chachi, that's all I'm saying.

That's my list. Your turn.

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