Republicans Terrorize African Villages

I know there's a lot going on in the news right now - devastating tornadoes, unrest in the Middle East, rising gas prices, Mitt Romney boring the crap out of everybody - but still I'm amazed that a very important news item got pretty much buried last week.

Of course, I'm referring to the mysterious dog-headed pig pig monster of Namibia.


News outlets recently reported that villagers in northern Namibia are being terrorized by a strange, unidentified creature. The thing is described as "mostly white and unlike anything the villagers have ever seen, with a doglike head and the broad, round, nearly hairless back and shoulders of a giant pig."


Artist's rendering.

Ha ha, I jest! Of course the people of Namibia probably are not familiar with GOP Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Many of them believe the dog-headed pig monster is the result of black magic. It's likely that their lack of sophistication and general ignorance of the modern world leads them to make pronouncements that more educated, rational people find comical to the point of outrageousness.


"She's having so much sex she can't afford the contraception!"
(Alternative caption: Why yes, this IS the universal symbol for an asshole.)

 Some in Namibia also peg the dog-headed pig monster as the familiar of a local witch doctor or warlock. In this scenario, the horrifying creature is not terrorizing the countryside of its own accord, but is simply the dumb, slavering tool of a much larger and more powerful entity.

Boogy-boogy-boogy.

 Really, the story of the big, white, pig-like, scary monster is fascinating. And it has universal appeal. I think we all could learn something from the dog-headed pig monster of Namibia.

Like, for instance, it multiplies at an alarming rate. I wonder if the Namibian government would pay for contraception?

You want me to give you aardvarks to have sex?
What are you, a prostitute?

In conclusion, and in the interest of fairness, I'd like to point out that not all dog-headed pig monsters are big white creatures.


This one has its fall camouflage.


Yes, I know. But even Fox News isn't fair and balanced every day.